Whatsoever Critic's Top 8 Worst Villains

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Yes, there are good and bad villains. By "good," I mean legit villains that have agenda and aren't so crappy in personality. By "bad," I mean so forced to contrive that you would end up saying at the end of the movie/show, "Why didn't they pick another villain? This one was weird."
Some movies would have great set-ups and storyline, but it takes one "bad" villain to fuck everything up, either because of their awkward personality, their one-dimensional character, or both. So today, I'm bringing you my Top 8 Worst Villains. So, bad guys, prepare to be on my Wall of Shame.

8. Mr. Nezzer from some of the Veggietales videos

In my book, this guy is often considered the a-hole (besides Cedric the rap scallion) of all the Veggietales characters, because in most of the Veggietales videos, he has the antagonist role.
Well, I'll give this guy credit for not being an "official" bad guy, because in other Veggietales videos, he shows that he has a heart and is willing to change from his old ways.
But still, I can't get over the "Bunny Song," as well as his "definition of Christmas" from The Toy That Saved Christmas. Other than those things, Mr. Nezzer isn't so bad, good or evil, which is why I scored him low on the countdown.

7. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and Drake from The Pebble and the Penguin
Yeah, I had to put these two muscle-bound baddies together in the #7 spot.
Let's first talk about the similarities: they're both muscle-bound (obviously); they both chase a girl to where they'll try and force her to marry them; they both have many "kiss-ups" who believe it when they say that they're the best of the best when it comes to manliness; they both bully the hero/good guy; and of course... they both die in terrible ways in the end.

Now about Gaston: at first, he's seen as the town hero and the guy that everyone (except Belle) wants to hang out with. However, as the movie progresses, Gaston gets jealous of Belle loving the Beast and wants to kill the Beast, so that he can marry her.

This, however, backfires when he falls off the rooftops of Beast's castle to his death.
-Hey, who says that jealousy doesn't pay? (They're liars.)

Now on Drake: People can tell that this is the Don Bluth equivalent to Gaston. Well, the reason why I say that he's obviously similar to Gaston is because one, Beauty and the Beast came out before The Pebble and the Penguin; and two, he basically has the same ambition and goals as Gaston. Apparently, Don Bluth got some inspiration from the Disney film, that he decided to come up with his own love story to cater to the romance fans.

Now what sets Drake apart from Gaston is that he's much more intimidating- I mean, Tim Curry, the guy that played Drake, did the voice acting really well; you can feel the sincerity in his voice, and... Who knows? That might make you piss your pants when you hear that voice.
-Well, not that I've ever pissed my pants... Get real.
Plus, what sets Drake apart from Gaston is how he meets his end. Sure, he falls off something like Gaston, but unlike Gaston, he surprises everyone by coming back and trying to kill everyone, but in the process, gets crushed by a friggin' boulder.
-Wow? A muscle-bound villain getting killed by something bigger than him.

6. Forte from Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

Another bad guy voiced by Tim Curry? SOLD!
Well, actually, for this bad guy, he seemed very legit. He had ambition; he had this thing where he tricks people into believing that he is good, when in reality, he was bad...
-Which is what makes a great villain...
However, I placed Forte on this list, because first of all, he's a pipe organ (which is a bore); and two, he doesn't go anywhere, but has other people do it for him...
But doesn't he have super powers? In the movie, he plays music and has these green visuals in the form of sheet music...
-(pause) Why doesn't he use his super powers to move around to get his evil deeds done?

5. Plankton from SpongeBob Squarepants

This guy is already a bore. Why? Because the show that he's in has been around since the mid-90s. He keeps trying to reach the goal of stealing the Krabby Patty formula to make his own restaurant a success.
-It's like another Bowser-kidnapping-Princess-Peach-over-and-over scenario.
And even if the scenario seemed different in each episode, there was still that same shit about wanting the Krabby Patty formula!
-Dude! Why not try something else?

4. Parker from Penguins of Madagascar

Not much to say about this guy, but only that he stole Dr. Blowhole's thunder when it comes to villainy.

(refer to my review on The Penguin Who Loved Me)

3. The Alchemist from LarryBoy: Leggo My Ego

(sigh) How can one describe the Alchemist?
Well, how about this? He has no redeeming value whatsoever.

First of all, he's a Momma's boy. Why? Because his mother does most of the work when it comes to doing evil deeds.
Second, he spends most of the movie not doing much of anything except say lame things, do ridiculous villain poses to make himself look threatening...

...hide behind his mother (sometimes literally), and the constant... the constant... snorting.
-Grow up!
Anyway, he's nothing compared to the next villains on the list.

2. Awful Alvin from LarryBoy and the Angry Eyebrows and Ozzy from Land Before Time 2: The Great Valley Adventure
Just like I did earlier in the countdown, I decided to let these two guys share this spot.
They are both sick, twisted fiends. They both have some kind of obsession; they both seem questionable as villains (either obsessing over somebody and/or wanting to do away with somebody in a way that would make parents cringe); and... yeah! They're both crazy.
On Awful Alvin: No matter how bad he is, he seems to out-mug Ozzie, because Alvin would talk directly to the audience at times, and make you feel on the spot. Plus, he has a floor lamp for a henchmen.

-Why not get real minions?
On Ozzie: Unlike Awful Alvin, Ozzie is an addict. And as I said many times before in my blog, he needs help; he needs to go to rehab for his egg addiction.

-Why the hell would any parent want their kids to see this loony? And why was he in a kids' video to begin with? It's like having a porn addict on Barney the dinosaur's show. It just doesn't seem right.
Anyway, these guys are nothing compared to the villain that's number one on this list!

1. Cedric from Sofia the First

Here's a fun question: What would you call a villain that usually stays in secluded places, has no friends, wants to seize power in any shape or form... and obsesses over a girl that happens to be a princess with a magical amulet?

Well, in my book, that would be a pervert. Yeah, all this guy wants is to get Sofia's amulet and then rule the kingdom. Going after a little girl should be questionable.
And to make matters worse, this guy's voice can make anyone uncomfortable. Every time he speaks, it sounds as if he's having an organism to every word he's saying.
-It's that uncomfortable!
Sure, this guy may have some kind of morality in his skull (to keep the show G-Rated, that is), and he may show regret every once in a while, but he's still weird... God-awfully weird!

In fact, many of these villains seem uncomfortable. However, Cedric is number one of this list, because I feel that this was one of Disney's foul-ups that usually slip under the radar of what's tolerable on children's TV.

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Veggietales
Beauty and the Beast
The Pebble and the Penguin
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas
Spongebob Squarepants
Penguins of Madagascar
LarryBoy: The Cartoon Adventures
Land Before Time 2: The Great Valley Adventure
Sofia the First

Courtesy: Big Idea Entertainment, Disney, Don Bluth/MGM Studios, Nickelodeon, DreamWorks Animation, and MCA Universal Home Video.

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"Closed For The Season" Book Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Remember in my Asylum book review about how I was a fan of fiction that dealt with the paranormal and fantasy and stuff? Well, here I have another book like that. It's called Closed For The Season.

Written by award-winning author Mary Downing Hahn, Closed For The Season was a page-turner, as well as a legit mystery story, because it never once lost its edge in the storytelling. This book even won the Edgar Award for "Best Juvenile Mystery."

The premise is easy to understand: a boy named Logan moves into an old house next door to a kid named Arthur, who befriends him almost immediately. As time flies by, Arthur tells Logan about an old amusement park called Magic Forest that closed down years back, and they decide to check it out. At first, Logan isn't sure about going into the creepy place, but with Arthur on his side, they manage to unearth many clues as to how Myrtle Donaldson, a former resident, was murdered. They learn that she was once head bookkeeper of the amusement park, and that she had left money somewhere before her death. The boys will investigate this mystery, even if people either aid or despise their being friends. And sooner or later, they would unmask the killer. 

NOTE: Since this is a mystery-horror type of book, I will not spill out any more details.

So, what do I think about this book?

Well, I'll admit that this story wasn't as horror-filled and thrilling as Asylum; however, it was still decent enough to have me still sitting down and reading it. As far as the mystery goes, it kept me guessing-which is what a real mystery is supposed to do- without emphasizing too many cliches that would always be in a mystery. 

What I liked most about this book was the friendship between Logan and Arthur. They were a good match. The two characters had really good personalities: you had Logan as the partially-reserved yet wanting-to-know-things protagonists, and you had Arthur as the streetwise kid that possesses a good heart. These characters, in my opinion, seemed credible enough to be real that it would be so exciting to meet them in real life.

Most of the side characters though, were a little dull, either because they're against our main heroes, or they don't seem to be interested in getting involved with the situation. In other ways, if they pretended that nothing was wrong, then their "happy world" wouldn't crash and burn. 

-Was Hahn trying to tell us that being a puposely-naiive-to-any-situation perfectionist isn't always okay?

Well, that's okay, because Hahn has both Logan and Arthur's personalities and friendship to make up for all of that.
If you're looking for blood in a book, then you'll be a little disappointed with this one, because the characters would mention murder and who did what- no actual killings or murdering off people during the actual story (excluding the backstories). However, if you're looking for something easy and toned-down mystery material for the sake of the faint-at-heart, then go ahead and enjoy it.

Overall, this book was decent as a thriller, but excellent as a page-turner.

Whatsoever Critic

Source: Closed For The Season

Courtesy: Mary Downing Hahn- Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company

"Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon" Video Game Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Now that I'm on summer break from school, it gives me time to do so many things like blogging, reading, writing, painting, and... (my temptation) video games.
As you know, I've recently been addicted to a Nintendo 3DS game called Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon.

Now I know what you're thinking: Why not review the Luigi's Mansion game before reviewing this one? Yeah, but since the Nintendo Gamecube is becoming more and more obsolete compared to the 3DS, I find it hard to buy the original game without having to look it up on ebay or do some digging on the Internet. However, I'm more familiarized with this video game. So I'm reviewing it anyways.

So here's the story: King Boo is up to no good again by destroying the dark moon into pieces. Apparently, the dark moon keeps everything paranormal in check; but with all of its pieces taken by King Boo's evil minions, all the ghosts run around in chaos, haunting every old building in a place called Evershade Valley.
Luigi, Mario's brother, is summoned by an old guy named Professor E. Gadd...

-Oh boy, about this guy:
1. First of all, Professor E. Gadd looks like a mix between the Keebler elf and Dr. Insano from the Channel Awesome realm.
2. Second, telling by his secret base and all the technology he surrounds himself with...

Are we still trying to parody the Bat Cave from the Batman series? I mean, we already have a kids' show that's parodying Batman.

I guess parodying Batman is still popular?
3. Just think of Professor E. Gadd like if Jack Jack (The Incredibles) grew up and did nothing but invent things and sit around next to a computer for a living. Oh, and by the way, The Incredibles may have ripped off this professor's hairstyle.

4. To be honest, this professor is pretty cool. I mean, sure, we've seen mad scientists in the media, but this one seems pretty cool, because he may be stereotypical as a professor/paranormal-enthusiast, but he makes a good ally. In fact, he's so good that he makes a good comic foil for Luigi, even though Luigi says nothing and basically expresses emotions by... having the emotions (ex. scared, brave, etc.).
Anyway, Luigi is sent to each different creepy setting to recapture the ghosts that are terrorizing Evershade Valley. Luigi also has to recover all six Dark Moon fragments to restore order in the paranormal world and in Evershade Valley. This results in...
1. another series of creepy houses

2. another rescue

3. another duel with King Boo
-Yeah, about King Boo...

there's nothing much to say about this villain, except that he's no Bowser.
So, what about the ghosts? Well, compared to the ones from the original video game, these are way better-looking ghosts. They seem to possess stereotypical traits that work to the gameplay's advantage. You have:
1. the mischevious goof-offs (the Greenies)

2. the muscle (the Slammers)

3. the... snake-like things that love to hide (the Hiders)

4. the... purple ghosts that remind you a touch of Randall from Monsters, Inc. (the Sneakers)

5. the character design similarity to B.O.B. from Monsters vs. Aliens (the Creepers)

6. the smart-ass stereotype with an obviously big brain (the Poltergeists)

7. the fat-lard stereotype that the Fib from Outer Space himself would think is too silly (the Gobbers)

8. the final boss stereotype that always shows up... in the final boss battles (the Possessors)

Occasionally, you'll come across many Boos that would hide in places if you use your ultralight and shine it all over the room to reveal hidden objects.

The gameplay is great, but what I hate about it is the critters. Those friggin' critters: whether it's a spider, a bug, or a mouse. If you get bitten by either one of those things, you'll lose life points.

-Lose life points over something little?
Yeah, you have to account for that every time you come across these small creatures.
Another minor problem I had with the gameplay was during a battle situation, when Luigi is surrounded by multiple ghosts.

If you're cornered by ghosts of the same species OR by ghosts of different species, you have to have a game plan; because if you try to fight them individually, then another ghost that you're NOT fighting would attack you. And you can lose many life points if you don't do it right. And, just like the Critters that would pop out of nowhere, you would have to account for this every time.

So, despite the minor setbacks, how would I grade this video game?
The minor flaws don't matter, because in the long-run, this video game kicks ass. The gameplay is great for a single-player format; the graphics are colorful and beautiful to look at; the comedic timing (well as the comedic flow) is decent; and the characters are top-notch.
I sure hope the Luigi's Mansion series can make another comeback soon.

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon
LarryBoy and the Angry Eyebrows
The Incredibles
Monsters, Inc.
Monsters vs. Aliens

Courtesy: Nintendo, Big Idea Entertainment, Disney/Pixar, and DreamWorks Animation.

Why Dr. Blowhole Should Make A Comeback? (Editorial Update #2)

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

OMG, Whatsoever Critic! How long will I prolong this editorial about Dr. Blowhole?- You may be asking...

I've been doing some research on the Internet to see if there was a teaser trailer for this movie. They have NOT released anything to us yet.

So, here's what I will do:

-If Dr. Blowhole is the villain of the movie, I will upload a video of me watching the trailer on my computer and having a fantastic reaction and response to go with it.

-If Dr. Blowhole is NOT the villain of the movie, I will upload a video of me holding a small funeral for him. Why? Because dammit! That movie would be considered the final nail in the coffin for what was once a villain that I had ever paid any attention to! (Just refer to my "Evolution of Dr. Blowhole" blog post, to see why this would be the final nail in the coffin.)

So, with that said, I will keep you posted if anything changes, or if I hear more about the upcoming Penguins of Madagascar movie.

Whatsoever Critic

Sources:

MovieInsider.com

"Asylum" (Madeleine Roux) Book Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Knowing me, I like to read a lot of books. I especially love to read fiction that deals with the haunted places, the paranormal, and the... you know, the Luigi's Mansion scenarios. During this month of May, I was hooked to to a book called Asylum.

This book is a young adult fictional novel written by Madeleine Roux. When I first came across this, the front cover promised a thrill ride inside something haunted. The tagline that written on the cover was: "Prepare to be lost in...", and then it said the title. It worked. I was hooked. People say not to judge a book by its cover; so, I didn't judge, but instead, took the time to read it.

The story is about a 16-year-old named Dan Crawford who goes to a summer program for gifted students. It turns out that he's socially awkward, but wants to gain some friends that would at least tolerate is love for history. He learns about the place that the students will stay in, which is a sanatorium-turned-dormitory. When he arrives, he meets both Abby the artistic/love interest and Jordan (who's considered gay) the egotistical friend of hers. During their stay, they explore the hidden basements and creepy settings, and learn about the former psych ward's dark past. It turns out that some of the things in this building somehow link to the pasts of Dan and his friends; and it's up to them to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and to discover the truth.

Now how did this book fair?

Personally, I love this book. It's got everything that a horror-movie fan has always dreamed of: suspense, mystery, social moments, and magnificent visuals. I'm not kidding: this book has many realistic photographs from real asylums and realistic letters that take illustration to a whole new level.
When I first read this book, I was amazed that it was a page-turner. I wanted so badly to keep reading. It's like walking into a safer version of American Horror Story: Asylum.

Well, to be fair, that's a personal preference. I wouldn't really recommend this book for people who are a faint of heart, or those that don't want to be intimidated by another horror story. I completely understand.

But what really sucks right now was that the copy that I have of this book was borrowed from my school library, and that it's due today. After today, I don't return to school until August!
(Note to self: ask for this book for my birthday.)

On the bright side though, I was happy to learn that this book has a sequel called Sanctum.

Plus, there's word about a novella called The Scarlets.

Now, I am anticipated to try to get both of these books, seeing that I enjoyed the first book. So, wish me luck on getting these books!

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Asylum
Amazon.com (about sequel and novella)

Courtesy: Madeleine Roux, HarperCollins Publishers

"Monsters, Inc." Movie Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Today I'm going to review the children's book Where the Wild Things are...
(pause)

Or... this movie.

Yeah, ever since I launched this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't review any Pixar movies, because some of them are good, some of them sucked, and some of them are caught in between. I mean, wait until you hear this: this is supposed to be a monster movie... that's supposed to be a comedy. This is ironic, because in most monster movies, it's not so funny unless you throw in some comic relief. But hey. If comedy and cutesy stuff is your idea of getting kids in the seats, then be my guest.

And get this: this movie was so popular, even years after its theatrical release, that it made billions off its merchandising. Apparently, it was that popular, even to this day.

So let's see why this movie has people blown away by its movie magic. (I may disagree.) This is Monsters, Inc.

Opening Title Sequence:

So the movie wastes no time in throwing its opening credits at us.

-The 2D animation here is pretty impressive, but tell me if the style is familiar...

[cough] Pink Panther

Opening Scene:

So after two minutes of the movie trying its damnest to keep us away from the scary-looking scene that's to come... here's a scary-looking scene. A monster creeping up to a sleeping boy.

-(sarcasm) You know, for kids!

But it turns out that the monster himself is scared of the kid, and then destroys the kid's room in result of his panic attack.

-Is it too late to get my money back?

But it turns out that this was only a simulation inside the Monsters, Inc. building. The bat-lady criticizes the employee for leaving the door open during his test.

Bat-lady whatever: "Leaving the door open...  because..."

-Uh, because it's an obvious foreshadow of what's to happen later on in this movie(?)

Mr. Waternoose: "It could let in a child!"

-Oh, God! Don't tell me that Pixar got that old guy from Snow Dogs...

So this is Mr. Waternoose (voiced by the late James Coburn), who wants his employees to... well, his speech will tell you:

Mr. Waternoose: "I need scarers who are confident, tenacious, tough, intimidating! I need scarers like... James P. Sullivan!"

Morning Scene:

-...who apparently still in bed?

Yeah, we're now being introduced to Mike Wazowski (voiced by Billy Crystal) and Sulley (voiced by John Goodman), as they get ready to go to work. Where do they work, you may ask? Well, the commercial that they sit down and watch will tell you:

Employee: "I'm Monsters, Inc."

Sulley: "Hey look! Betty!"

-(mimicking Sulley) Hey look! Some random person that only gets a few seconds of screen time!
-Hey look! A Pixar movie! Why not waste your talent on it?

So, seeing that Mike's face is covered by the company's logo at the end of the commercial, I'm pretty sure he was disappointed and heart-broken by this...

Mike: "I...was...on...TV! Ha! Did you see me? I'm a natural!"

-(pause) Are you sure I can't get my money back now?

Walk to Work:

So Mike and Sulley leave to work through Cameo-Street...

-No really. The characters that they interact with during this scene are nothing but walking-talking cameos. Not much to talk about here.

Next, our characters come across a sign saying "Don't Stalk. Stalk."

-Okay, I gotta ask: What if someone takes that sign the wrong way. What if telling people when and when not to stalk people?

Entering the Factory:

So our characters finally make it to Monsters, Inc., where we get more cameos, and find out that Sulley is a long-time Employee of the Month winner.
-[cough] Popular stereotype.

The guys then visit Mike's girlfriend Celia (voiced by Jennifer Tilly- the bride of Chuckie from the Child's Play series) at the front desk, where Mike wants to take her out on a date for her birthday.

-Okay, fair enough...

Mike (singing): "You and me! Me and you! Both of us TOGETHER!"

-Okay! We get it already! You love this chick! Stop it already! Go do something productive! Make yourself useful by shutting the fuck up!

Locker room:

And wouldn't you know it, Mike and Sulley run into yet ANOTHER character...

Randall: "WAZOWSKI!"

-What the hell is that?!

Actually, this is Randall (voiced by Steve Buscemi), and he makes it so obvious that he wants to be the best, other than Sulley...

-(pause) You know what this is? This is becoming a movie of stereotypes. I'm not kidding! This movie has a lot of stereotypes! In fact, let's go through all of them.

1. the popular person with a heart (Sulley) CHECK

2. the geeky and/or socially weird guy that strives to be famous but, most of the time, doesn't (Mike) CHECK

3. the love interest to the geeky and/or socially weird stereotype (Celia) CHECK

4. awkward asshole (Randall)  CHECK

5. the wimpy assistant (Jeff Fungus- Randall's assistant) CHECK

6. the head-of-the-company stereotype (Mr. Waternoose) CHECK

7. the comic foils that make us laugh, but then return to taking a backseat as the plot resumes (the cameos) ABUNDANT

Mike: (to Sulley) "One of these days I am really... (pause)... gonna let you teach that guy a lesson."

-(giggling) Okay, that was one funny line.

Scare Floor:

So Mike meets up with Roz the movie's Eeyore and stick-in-the-mud administrative clerk...

-I'm gonna be honest. If you want to steal Ursula's hairstyle (The Little Mermaid) and steal Jabba's species type (Star Wars), then have a voice and personality that fits!

Anyway, Mike gets to work as he swaps a card to summon a human door. And the other employees do the same.

-Now I'll admit: this is a really cool factory. The machinery, the doors, and the technology! It's amazing, but they also seem to work against the film:

1. The machinery seems closer to real-life, even though its supposed to be imaginative. However, what if a child questions the machinery? (ex. "Mom, what is that?" or "What does that do?")

2. How do monsters know about this technology? The movie glossed over that one really well.

Anyway, all the scarers, including Sulley, have their slow-mo walk and then get ready to scare.

Sulley: "Hey, may the best monster win."

Randall: "I plan to."

-Competition. Because sportsmanship should come... NEVER!

So the scaring begins, and...

Jeff Fungus: "You're still behind, Randall..."

Randall: "JUST GET ME ANOTHER DOOR!"

Fungus: "A door! Yes! Door!"

-By the way, Randall's assistant is voiced by... Frank Oz?! The voice of the Muppet characters and Sesame Street characters?! Why, Frank?! Why?!

So after losing to Sulley again on the scare floor, Randall grows jealous.

However, when one of the scarers is spotted with a kid's sock on his back, a military force called the CDA are summoned to "decontaminate" him.

-Okay, what you will notice in this movie is that people have a tendency to freak out about the lamest things. I mean, I could walk into a party of theirs and be like...

(dropping my glasses onto the table)

(monsters freaking out at a restaurant)

You see?

The whole movie is like that: paranoia at its worst! Would that sound good on a movie poster? Monsters, Inc.: See why everyone is freaked out in this movie. That would be annoying!

After that "epic" incident with the sock-wearing monster, Mr. Waternoose and Sulley share a scene where they're talking like old friends.

-... (pause)... It's been a while. Let's check back with Mike and his "sweetheart"...

Near Front Desk:

So Mike remembers that he didn't turn in his paperwork to Roz, but Sulley offers to take it for him.

-...Might as well stick a paper on you saying "Find me, human kid."

Yeah, it's obvious that you're saying that, movie.

Scare floor at night:

As he's grabbing Mike's paperwork, Sulley comes across a vacant human door, and guess what else...

-(as video game announcer) Welcome to the Virtual-Haunted-House-Which-Is-Really-A-Factory game! You gotta get your supporting actress out of the factory!

(Sulley rushing out of kid's room)

Press A repeatedly to flee the scene

(Sulley running away before Randall arrives)

Press X and Y to dump all the contents into the toilet

(Sulley puts contents into the toilet and flushes)

CHALLENGE FAILED

(toilet overflows)

Press B to dump contents into a random person's locker

(Sulley puts contents into a locker)

Press A repeatedly to close the locker

(Sulley closes locker)

Great job! Thanks for playing! Hope you had a fun night, or...

Sulley: (screaming and running)

Press A repeatedly to run away from supporting character

Now press X to put supporting character inside a gym bag

(Sulley places kid inside a bag)

So Sulley tries to put the kid back inside her door, only to find that Randall is there working lately. So, instead of confronting Randall, he heads out of the factory to find Mike...

Restaurant scene:

...who's on a date with Celia. But don't worry: Sulley ruins their date by interrupting and taking Mike aside to explain the problem in the clearest, understandable way possible...

Sulley: "Ook-lay in the ag-bay."

-(pause) What?

Sulley: "Ook-lay in the ag-bay."

-(pause) What the hell does that even mean?

Sulley: "Look in the bag."

-Was that what you were trying to say? (pause) I'm sorry, but I'm gonna spend the rest of this scene figuring out what "Ook-lay in the ag-bay" means...

(researching)

It's pig latin, which alters the English language as a game or code... Who gives a shit?!

So (literally), the cat is out of the bag (or should I say kid is out of the bag), and everyone freaks out...

-...because the director thinks it's still funny to have the characters freak out in this movie.

Home:

So Mike and Sulley ditch Celia during the chaos and head home with the kid; and then they take part in the weirdest panic scene ever put to film.

So after screaming and laughing her head off, the kid manages to cause a power outage in the neighborhood.

Later that Night:

While Mike plots to get rid of the kid, Sulley immediately forms a bond with her.
-... That's pretty weird. I mean, think about it. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle fell in love with the Beast by getting to know him and by spending time with him... as time went on. Here, even though this isn't a love relationship, it's still friendship, but the bond was established just by that one look and that one gesture with the kid holding up a drawing of him and her together. That's... just... I don't know; this works to the convenience of the plot either way...
The kid is scared of Sulley's closet, but he assures her that everything is okay.
Sulley: "I'm not gonna scare you. I'm off duty."
-So that makes it better? Being "off duty"?
-And for that matter, remember this scene, because that statement is gonna bite this movie in the ass. Oh, you'll see when we get there.
After tucking the kid into bed, Sulley talks with Mike about having some good feelings towards the human.
Mike: "Really? Well! Let's keep it! I've always wanted a pet- THAT CAN KILL ME!"
-See the paranoia that's in this movie?
So the guys figure out how to spend the kid back home...

The Next Day:
...by disguising her as a monster.
-Uh, nice thought, but make the costume more convincing! It's like dressing her as Chuck E. Cheese and then sending her into a room full of screaming and misbehaving kids!
Anyway, despite tighter security from the CDA...
-Sounds like the abbreviations that you would give to an organization that looked like the CIA but was actually an organization for male escorts for a bachelorette party.
...and more investigations from last night's incident, our heroes manage to pass off the kid as...
Sulley: "...cousin's sister's daughter..."
Mike: "...take your cousin's sister's daughter along..."
-A relative from a confusing-as-hell bloodline? (pause) I guess that works...

Later on...:
So being careful not to be discovered, Mike tries to get the card key that Randall had last night, but fails at that, because for some reason, his paperwork wasn't turned in.
-(sarcasm) Wow! I can't imagine why!
Meanwhile, Sulley and the kid are in the men's room, until Mike shows up, only for them to hide from Randall who's obviously up to no good.

-Yeah, I'm gonna stick a note saying "I'm the bad guy" on you. It's so obvious!
(Randall invisible)
-...
(Randall slamming on each bathroom stall door)
-(me shuddering)
So our heroes overhear Randall and his rejected-Muppet-character-of-an-assistant go over a sinister plan.
Randall: "You just get the machine ready. I'll take care of the kid."

-(pause) You have issues!
-And by the way, Randall has this ability where he can turn invisible and blend into his surroundings... like a chameleon. Hell! Why don't all the other monsters in this world have superpowers? Wouldn't having superpowers put Randall in his place? Or... do you want more plot? (pause) I guess you want more plot, because...

Scarefloor scene:
Mike and Sulley create a diversion so that no one would notice them trying to take the kid back home, even though...
1. Mike calls up the wrong door
2. Sulley is starting to give the kid a pet name (he names her "Boo")
But, as you can imagine, the guys lose Boo and try to find her. They run into Randall, but they create a lie about how they weren't involved about last night's incident.

They run into Celia, who's now bitching about being ditched at the sushi restaurant...

where the incident happened... when Randall is just down the hall, and finds out that Mike and Sulley were involved.
-Well, that didn't take long!

Hallway:
So Randall confronts Mike in the hallway and threatens him.
Randall: "You see that clock? The big hand is pointing, and the little hand is pointing up. The kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points down, the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back..."
-(pause)... Okay, movie. I'm just gonna tell you right now:...Pick which one is more embarrassing-
A. calling your binge drinking to the point of vomiting repeatedly your magnum opus
B. tearing your brain out and submitting it to Pixar, with a note saying "Use my ideas!"
C. this slap-to-the-face threat made by the so-called villain of the movie... along with physical abuse (mainly with the arms)
If you picked anything other than Answer C, then something is different wrong with your writers.

Hallway (cont'd.):
So it's a race against time, as Mike catches up with Sulley, who's still looking for the little brat. They end up finding her with a group of kids... that are supposed to be considered a daycare for this factory(?)
Teacher: "What an affectionate father."
Sulley: "Uh, actually, she's my-"
-Blah, blah, blah! Your cousin's sister's daughter! Let's use that lie one more time, why don't ya!

Scarefloor (vacant):
Mike and Sulley arrive at Boo's rightful door. However, when Sulley hears about Randall, he hesitates, because he thinks it's a trap...
...and it turns out that it is a trap, because Mike is captured when he enters the room to prove that it's safe.
After eluding Randall again, and LETTING HIM GET AWAY...!
-WTF?!
Sulley pursues the villain to a secret passageway in one of the hallways.

Secret passageway:
While staying hidden, Sulley and Boo find Randall and his assistant unboxing their stole goods, only to find that Mike was in the box the whole time.

-Well, I guess Randall would give up and let Mike go now, OR...
Randall: "Say hello to the Scream-Extractor."
Mike: "...Hello?"
-... use Mike instead to test out a dangerous device that would potentially make physical scaring of kids obscelete. Okay, when do you really give a damn about what this machine does. We can all just agree that it's dangerous.
But the machine shuts down after Sulley unplugs it off-screen. And then Sulley frees Mike, while the Frank Oz character sits in his place, having liposuction- I mean, his lips raped by Randall's machine...
-Not getting the vibe here?

Simulation room:
Now that our heroes escaped the horrors of Randall, what will they do now to get Boo home? Tell about it to Mr. Waternoose!
But hey! That's too simple! Why not have Mr. Waternoose pressure Sulley to do a little scare demonstration for a group of recruitees, which scares the living shit out of Boo?

-(sarcasm) Yeah! Great call on that movie!
-By the way, remember that scene that I wanted y'all to remember earlier?
Sulley: "I'm not gonna scare you. I'm off duty!"
Well, now that Boo is upset by Sulley's scare demonstration... we can all assume that the "I'm not gonna scare you" promise... is now all BS.
-Yeah, I'm not surprised by this at all, because it was so obvious. You know, most of the stuff in this movie is so obvious. Most of the surprises are weak, and that's not good. So I apologize if I don't find it upsetting...
...when Mr. Waternoose betrays Mike and Sulley by banishing them into the human world and helping Randall kidnap Boo.
-I'm sorry. It all has to do with the story itself; they prolong it when they shouldn't. And don't think they'll learn their lesson in Finding Nemo, because they won't.

"Frozen Waste Land" scene:
So Mike and Sulley meet up with an abominable snowman... who does nothing but hand out snow cones and try his best to be of assistance.

During the hospitality, Mike is fed up with Sulley trying to help Boo.
Mike: "Boo? What about us?"
-I gotta ask, Mike. What the fuck is your problem?
Mike: "Oh, we were about to break the record, Sulley. We would've had it made!"
-...(pause) Is that what this is all about? Trying to break a stupid record? Hell! Even Randall questions this:
Randall: "You still think this is about that stupid scare record?"
Yeah, even though he's the bad guy, I gotta side with Randall: Why would Mike, in any way, still be worried about breaking a lousy record? Doesn't Mike have any sympathy for Boo?
So, when Sulley saddles up to go to Boo's rescue, Mike gives him the cold shoulder.
Mike: "There's no we this time, pal. If-if-if you want to go out there and freeze to death, you be my guest, because you're on your own."
-(mimicking Mike) Yeah, you're on your own. While you get to be a supporting actor in Trouble With The Curve, I'll be playing a grandpa in Parental Guidance... of which no one will probably remember, even after its release. I have the worst luck ever when it comes to trying to be famous.

Sulley to the Rescue:
So Sulley fights through a nasty snow storm and manages to go through a kid's door back into the monster world...
-...for some reason(?)

Secret Lair:
Meanwhile...
Mr. Waternoose: "I shouldn't have trusted you. Because of you, I had to banish my top scarer."
Randall: "Ah, with this machine, we don't need scarers. Besides, Sullivan got what he deserved."
Mr. Waternoose: "Sullivan was twice the scarer you'll ever be!"
-Um... Waternoose is trying to defend Sulley now? (pause) IDK. I still think that he's trying to cover his ass.
Anyway, they try to use the machine on Boo, but Sulley comes to her aid, and...

what a surprise. Mike comes to help them.
-I guess he had a change of heart? Where the hell did that come from? There was no transformation scene, no nothing!

Scarefloor mayhem scene:
Our heroes race to the scarefloor, only to run into Celia who's still pissed at Mike. After Mike explains everything, she's all of a sudden siding with our heroes.
-That was pretty fast also.
Randall continues to pursue our heroes, even though Celia tries to stop him by making an announcement about him breaking the scare record.

-ENOUGH ABOUT THE RECORD-BREAKING!!!
And then this next scene is... pretty amazing.
-I'm not kidding. The riding on doors to get away from the villain. Not caring how the fuck this world is supposed to work whenever the characters go through different doors.

After two minutes of door-riding and door-chasing, Sulley finally confronts Randall... who kicks his ass to the point where Sulley is hanging by a thread.
Randall: "Look at everybody's favorite scarer. You stupid pathetic waste!"
-Oh, Boardwalk Empire, please give Steve Buscemi a career. I don't think he can stand any more of this deprivation of his acting talent any longer...
Suddenly, Boo faces her fears and beats on Randall, allowing Sulley to gain control, and proving that Boo is no one afraid of the purple oversized lizard...

-... not Barney the Dinosaur. I'm talking about Randall.
So our heroes banish Randall to the door of a redneck house and try to get Boo back through her door, only for the door and them to be summoned by the CDA...
-Sounds like the abbreviations you would give to a supervillain's lair...

Waternoose scene:
Mike creates a division with a sock, while Sulley and Boo sneak away to find a place where they can activate Boo's door. Mr. Waternoose is hot on their trail, and it isn't long until the old fart catches up with them.
Mr. Waternoose: "This has gone far enough, James."
Sulley: "She's home now. Just leave her alone!"
Mr. Waternoose: "I can't do that, James! She's seen too much! You both have."
Sulley: "It doesn't have to be this way!"
Mr. Waternoose: "I have no choice. Times have changed. Scaring isn't enough anymore."
-Sounds diabolical, but what are you gonna do about it?
Sulley: "But kidnapping children?"
Mr. Waternoose: "I'll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die, and I'll silence anyone who gets in my way!"
-... That was your evil plan all this time, Waternoose? In fact, how did this plan ever come across? Earlier, it was obvious that Randall orchestrated all of this, but now you? Uh, explain movie! Or are we to assume that Mr. Waternoose is bipolar?
So Waternoose, it turns out, that he was caught announcing his diabolical plan on survellance, in the simulation room... and in front of Mike and the CDA...
-Sounds like the abbreviation of... Oh, screw it! Let's just get back to the movie. We're almost through.
So Mr. Waternoose is arrested, and guess who's the head of the CDA:
Roz: "Hello boys."
Mike and Sulley: "Roz?"
-Yeah, remember Roz is in this movie too? Oops, I forgot!
-And for that matter, how the hell did she get into the mix all of a sudden? All she does in this movie was sit on her ass and look grouchy! Explain, movie! How the hell is she part of the plot now?

Sending Boo home:
...Well, screw it. Roz tells the heroes to send Boo back home, but warns them that they can never see the kid again.
So after saying good-bye to Mike, Boo is returned home.

-I gotta admit: this scene was emotional.
So the door is shredded, leaving Sulley with a chip of the door.

Outside:
Word goes out that the factory will shut down because they've lost their CEO.
-Well, what are they gonna do about it?

Next Day:
Make kids laugh for energy source, of course!

-Know that saying "Laughter is the best medicine"? Well, this scene takes that saying to a whole new level.
So Mike is the working force, as he entertains kids by making them laugh.

Despite the success of the factory, Sulley still misses Boo. So, what does Mike do to cheer his buddy up? Show him the door that's been put back together again, allowing Sulley to visit Boo whenever he wants.

-Yeah, give the kids their happy ending, why don't ya! It's not like this rarely happens in real life!

And that's Monsters, Inc. Folks... Can I be honest here?
Granted, I liked this movie as a kid; but as of nowadays, it seems rather odd. From the prolonging story to the overacting... how would you find some of this movie legitimately funny? I mean, Billy Crystal and John Goodman, God bless them; I know they were trying to be funny in their roles, but the movie's script gives them very little to work with.
Plus, the paranoia that these characters have just distract people from getting the whole story. Again, characters in this movie find it so easy to freak out from the lamest things. How is that funny? It's like watching a nursing home full of old people have heart attacks and episodes left and right? That's not good.
Finally, the story itself was confusing, because there were so many things were never explained. And to see such beautiful Pixar animation mashed up with such a vague story... is just unbelievable. Well, to be fair, it's not all that bad; it just seems weak.
So, if you think that the movie's prequel Monsters University is any good, many critics would say otherwise. (I mean, I've never seen that movie, because of this one.)

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Monsters, Inc.
The Return of the Pink Panther

Courtesy: Disney/Pixar and ITC/United Artists.