Friday, April 4, 2014

"The Pebble and the Penguin" Movie Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

You know... for today's movie, I just... I don't know. Ever since a month after I launched this blog, I've debated on whether or not doing a review on this movie was okay, because I saw the Nostalgia Critic's review on it, and that this movie was given a bad grade by Siskel and Ebert and by Rotten Tomatoes. But hey, I remember seeing this movie when I was 3 or 4; and I remember the movie may have inspired me... some. And wouldn't you know it, come junior year in high school, I rediscovered this movie and thought: "Maybe I should give this movie another shot of my viewership." So I ended up watching it again, but that time in my teen years. Well, I'll admit that I had like a different perspective on it.
Yeah, come to think of it, as a kid, I didn't really focus too much on what was going on, because I was too into the colors and animation. Now, as in adult, I'm already noticing that the movie had its flaws: its story; the sloppy animation (at times); and the character development.

Okay. I'm not gonna prolong this any further. I'm talking about The Pebble and the Penguin.

This was said to be one of Don Bluth's "box office failures." For some reason, I don't want to see this movie for how bad it is. However, there's something in this movie that drives me the wrong way- I'm not sure what it is, but I'm on a mission to find out.
As for the movie itself... For those of you who may have heard of this movie, or totally forgot about it, I'll give you the premise. It's supposed to be a romantic comedy involving the mating ritual of Adelie penguins. That's not a bad idea. I mean, I love the premise; I like the voice acting; and I especially like the fact that this movie was trying to create a legit love story. However, with that said, there were some awkward things about this movie: the plot distributing and the movie's "presumed" villain. (Yeah, we'll get to him in a minute.)
So let's not stall this any longer. Let's see why this movie worked and didn't work. This is The Pebble and the Penguin.

Intro:
So the movie starts off with a Shani Wallis narration saying how Adelie penguins have their mating rituals...
-No.That's better emphasized through the opening credits with the singing penguins singing and frolicking through sheet music.

-I'll admit, that this story was one of the first in all the "storybook-type" movies to shy away from the cliched narrator reading from a cliched storybook. That was something new in the 90s, I guess.

Opening Scene:
Anyway, so after a few minutes of listening to the opening song, we see the narrator introduce us to Hubie, played by Martin Short....
-who would play an Italian sea lion years later.

(Refer to Madagascar 3) By the way, which seems more credible- the stuttering penguin or the cutesy sea lion that shoots out of cannons? Take your pick.
Anyway, Hubie tells his friends (a.k.a the useless exposition trio) that he's in love with a girl penguin named Marina... just when he runs into her.
-And by the way, Marina is played by Annie Golden. (Little is known about this actress.)
So the two penguins make small talk.

-Well, you gotta admit that Hubie is trying to show Marina his love and compassion.
-And you also may notice that Hubie a lot in this movie. Either that's part of his shy and timid character, or Martin Short's script got tampered with.
-Plus, I also noticed the name. The penguin's name is "Hubie." If the name had an extra "b," then it would have been pronounced "Huh-bee." Apparently, this movie really wanted to make it a kids' film. I don't know; I think they may have glossed over that.
Moving on... we see our main villain simply known as Drake, played by Tim Curry. And... is it me, or tell me if this guy seems familiar at all...

Drake: "Marina doesn't know it yet, but she's going to be my wife..."
-Oh, that's right! Gaston from  Beauty and the Beast!
I didn't think we were going to meet a generic villain in this movie. I mean... look at him! The muscles... the red attire... Well, okay. He can't be that generic... Well, maybe. In fact, if you think he doesn't seem similar to Gaston... then someone needs to take some logic classes. I mean, think about it!!!
1. the muscles (obviously)
2. the red attire

3. looking at himself in some kind of mirror


4. wanting to force marriage on a girl that he's just set eyes on the moment this movie started
5. surrounds himself with a bunch of suck-ups that believe it when he says that he's the best and only he
6. talks about having kids with the girl he's hitting on (a.k.a.- lust)
7. bullies only one person in this movie (aside from the girl that he's hitting on)

8. sings (we'll get to that in a moment)
9. there's so many other similarities in this movie that are related to Beauty and the Beast in general... you'll see when we get there...

Nighttime Scene:

Later on, Hubie sings a song to Marina.
-Yeah, to be fair, this song seems cute, until you remember that this guy stutters. I mean, come on, Hubie! If you really love this girl, show it! Tell her you love her! Weren't you that confident whenever you were talking to your bird friends... your exposition friends, if you will? I wanna see that guy again! What happened to that guy?

Anyway, Marina finds his charming, and then they... just playfully bump each other, and the scene pans out... for some... reason.
-Aren't they going to kiss or something? So, this is the relationship that we're going to see from these two.
-In Beauty and the Beast, Belle and the Beast at least got to know each other during her time at the castle. And they at least got to hold hands at nighttime. Here, they make awkward small talk, Hubie sings, and then everything is hunky-dory from there... without showing any hugging or kissing... or at least holding hands. Please do something!

Pebble Hunting:
So, the next day...
Narrator: "The rookery buzzed with excitement, as all the bachelors took to the..."
-I'm sorry. I forgot there was supposed to be a narrator for this movie. Yeah, just like the narrator George from Rack, Shack, and Benny...

...here we have a narrator with little to no involvement in the story outside of narrating.
Anyway, Hubie is unsuccessful at finding the perfect pebble for his girlfriend.

-By the way, that's the mating ritual for these penguins. The guy proposes to a female penguin with a pebble, and they have kids. So let me get this straight: a pebble is like an engagement ring... oh, who cares? I already knew what it was.

Later that night:
So Hubie... (get a load of this) wishes upon a star and... it cuts to him trying to look for a pebble.
-First of all, Walt Disney would be spinning in his grave right now when he sees that this movie has already ripped off Disney in the most subtle way possible...
-Second, was his wish that he find a pebble or to keep looking? Sounds like a weird Zen riddle...
But his "mystery" wish suddenly comes true, as Hubie witnesses an asteroid land near him...
-Okay, what's with things falling from not  making a big ruckus on the earth? First, it was the Fib from Outer Space landing lightly in a neighborhood... and now it's this light-weighted asteroid-thingy!
So, it turns out that the asteroid is really a shiny green emerald, of which Hubie quickly recognizes as a pebble that he can give to Marina.

-Wow. God must have been a really good mood today, because the rock looks beautiful... seeing that Hubie's girlfriend is in it.
-And is it fair to say that the pebble that Hubie finds is... Well, it's obvious that this movie doesn't give us an explanation as to what the pebble is and where it came from... except for that it came from the sky. Now this is ripping off the Fib's entrance from LarryBoy and the Fib from Outer Space!
(pause)
Um, no. This movie came out before LarryBoy and the Fib from Outer Space. My bad.

The Next Day...:
-Now, before we go any further, who would like to play a game? (Say yes.) Okay then! It's called... Try Not To Piss Your Pants While Drake Is In This Scene.
No kidding! Drake shows up and threatens Hubie to give up the pebble that he just found recently.

-(sarcasm) Yeah, enjoy how Tim Curry tries to hide his British accent in his American accent. It's so nice to hear this guy threaten the movie's timid hero.
Hubie refuses; so Drake throws him into the ocean, where a leopard seal is waiting.
-How convenient...
So after a brief chase, the seal pisses off, leaving Hubie stranded on a rock... thingy. And he can't swim back home.
-Okay. How the hell did he go from home to that rock thing? He must be a fast swimmer.

The Good Ship Misery:
-Here's a fun question: what's more cliche than a invisible narrator and a storybook in the form of a songbook? An obvious set of a miserable place. That's this next scene.
Hubie (somehow) finds himself inside a crate on a boat labeled "Misery."
-I know this movie wanted to be symbolic, but the symbolism here is way too subtle. In fact, we can go ahead and do a checklist of symbolic set-ups:
1. the sea-worthy alternative to exile, banishment, or whatever
2. the obvious set of the villain's lair
3. the homeward-bound ship, and...
4. the I-shit-you-not map storyboards that this movie will throw at us (They also do that in the DVD box)
Anyway, Hubie finds himself in a crate, and he meets a bunch of other penguins that (to be honest) have little to no personality, except to be an excuse to have another musical number.

One penguin (singing): "If you're into pain and agony..."
-(listening)
Penguin who reminds of the Gordon's Fisherman mascot (singing): "If you love the great indoors..."
Chorus: "Welcome to the Good Ship Misery..."
-Is it me, or does this song sound a lot like "The Plunderer's March" from Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol? It does! If that's the case, then... this song "The Good Ship Misery" is a lot better! I mean, I've mentioned this on my Top 6 Worst Villain Songs list, but I'll say it again: "The Plunderer's March" was uncomfortably bad; it was weird and (may I remind you) it was "des-picable"! I'm sorry, but this movie made one generic song sound better than what it's similar to! In other words, "The Good Ship Misery" song is giving "The Plunderer's March" a run for its money!
So, after the first couple of minutes of singing and giving these captive penguins only this moment of screening time, we're then introduced to a new penguin named Rocko, played by Jim Belushi. The character for this penguin...

-(pause) You know what? We should have the cast line up, so that we can make a checklist of cliched characters:
1. the timid, shy hero who's the only one in the movie that'll get the most character development (check)

2. the love interest who has little to no personality outside of just being beautiful (check)

3. the egotistical villain who wants the love interest clearly for lust (check)

4. the street-wise, don't-fuck-with-me sidekick to the movie's hero (check)

5. the side characters (okay, we probably won't count them)
Oh wait! While we're at it...
6. the side characters that are more symbolic exposition than actual characters (check)

Back to the story, while Rocko rants about "busting out of here," Hubie gets a vision from his... pebble?

-So the pebble has magical powers? What is this?
Hubie gets a vision of Drake trying to propose to Marina. However, Marina won't budge from her love for Hubie; so Drake tells her that she has to marry before the next full moon, or else she'll be forced to leave the community: banishment. And it turns out that there's a "law" about it.
-Since when did penguins have laws and legislation? Or does Drake like to bullshit people like that? His egotism he really starting to annoy me...
Soon after that... vision or whatever we just witnessed (which is nothing more than a teaser trailer of a penguin-version of Twilight), Hubie convinces Rocko to help him escape.

So the pair eventually escape the ship, even though the fishermen give chase...
-Well, this scene was so boring that I had to press the fast-forward button on my remote.

Beach:

So... for some odd reason, the pair make it to a beach where Hubie tries to connect with Rocko, but Rocko's streetwise personality won't let him.

-I'll go ahead and give you a run over Rocko's streetwise personality, for those of you who happened to look passed this...
1. the streetwise I-don't-care attitude
2. the streetwise arms-folding
3. the streetwise trying-not-to-show-any-emotion-whatsoever

4. and the constant... (Understand that!)...the constant streetwise straight face

 (I mean, geez! Lighten up! This is supposed to be a kids' movie!)
Then Rocko finally reveals that he wants to fly, but is upset that Hubie finds it funny that he wants to fly, and that the harsh reality of it is that...
Hubie: "...penguins can't fly."
-That is right.
Rocko: "Who's idea of a cruel joke is this?!"
-Um... No comment.
So Hubie convinces Rocko to help him get back home by... (this oughta be rich) telling him about a certain penguin that can teach him to fly, and...
-You already know where this is going...

Travelling:

So the duo take the "homeward bound" ship to an unknown island of rock, where they have their first argument. Then they can't stand each other whenever they're taking shelter under a rock whenever a lightning storm strikes.

-That's God saying to cut it out, you two.

"Don't Make Me Laugh"
We then cut to the obvious set of Drake's lair, as the asshole himself pesters Marina to marry him. And, just like before, Marina turns him down. This of course puts Drake in a higher asshole level, causing him to sing...
Drake (singing): "Don't make me laugh!"
-How I dreaded this point! I know I've talked about this song a few times on my blog, but now is the perfect time to go into depth with this monstrosity.
-First of all, look at the color scheme that this musical number just throws at us.


Now I know where the Rumor Weed song from LarryBoy and the Rumor Weed got some of its inspiration from!
-Second, look at the body language. It's like Drake wants to be loving and affectionate towards; but in a millisecond, it looks like he wants to hit her and physically harm her!

-Third, the song itself is evil! I mean, listen!
Drake (singing): "Right this way to the Drake estate, or write your epitaph..."
By the way, what's an epitaph?
(researching)
Wikipedia: "epitaph- a short text honoring a deceased person... on a tombstone or plaque..."
Yeah! It's that evil!
-Fourth, what the hell is this stunning dance choreography doing in a musical number that's got dating abuse written all over it?!

Was this Don Bluth's way of having a dance scene in his romance flick? Did Don Bluth consider ripping off the dance scene from Beauty and the Beast, but make it with the bad guy and the girl, instead of the good guy and the girl? I mean, look at the comparison!!


-Fifth, Drake's buddies just stand there and make fun of Marina, while Drake is giving her hell with his singing and throwing her around. What dicks! 

But don't you worry! These three buddies never show up again... Okay, what is it with side characters coming and going? It's like drive-by casting in this movie.
-Sixth, if you listen to the lyrics all the way through, Drake makes a total of 6 references to what it means to "laugh." Understand that!! 6 references!!
1. "...bend in half..."
2. "Don't be a card..." (Trust me; that's one reference. If you're still not sure, look it up.)
3. "...laugh so hard, that you begin to ache..."
4. "...pull my leg..."
5. "...slap my knee..."
6. "I'm no hyena..."
People, do yourself a favor: do not use or say any of these puns after you have viewed this musical number... or at least, use them responsibly.
-Last, but definitely not least, the end of this song.
Drake (singing): "Don't make me..."
(sarcasm) Enjoy how Drake sings that last part, which makes him sound like the THX Surround Sound intro. Just crank up the volume when he sings the last line, and you'll know what I mean.

Weird-looking Island scene:
After that song or... whatever the hell we've just witnessed... we cut back to Hubie and Rocko having another argument. Hubie confesses to Rocko about making up an imaginary person so that he could get a free pass home... and Rocko starts choking the living shit out of him.
-(sarcasm) You know, for kids! Because this is a movie with people threatening others... Creepy villains wanting to get in the girl's pants... and dating violence in the form of a song... this scene with a person choking a character can easily segway into the mix.
But thank God the choking doesn't last long, because Hubie finds a way to make Rocko laugh: by making a God-awful duck sound.
-I'll admit. That was funny. It may have been awkward, but it was still funny.
Anyway, after a few moments of... laughing... Hubie and Rocko are friends again (I think).

Back at the rookery...
Back at home, we see that Marina misses Hubie... so much that she sings a song about it.

-You may need a box of tissues for this one...

Back to the duo...
Hubie and Rocko decide to go fishing, but they then get chased by the same leopard seal (the one from the beginning)...
-Dang, seal! What is up with you? Why can't you leave Hubie alone? Why don't you give the other sea monsters a chance? Just don't with Cedric the sea monster from Sofia the First.
-And for that matter, I'm very surprised at how long Hubie and Rocko can hold their breaths underwater. There has to be an explanation.
Well, screw it. The duo eventually escape, and... Hubie sings about their friendship.
-Well, if Disney's Bambi can blow off Bambi's mother's death with singing birds... then this part definitely qualifies. Okay, why does this movie take danger and/or death like a light breeze? Don't they have any shame?

Anyway, after a few minutes of singing... a little bit of stand-up... and Hubie almost dying from holding his breath... the duo officially become friends.

Travelling scene (a.k.a.- drive-by cinema):
During their trip to Hubie's home, Rocko teaches Hubie to fight, so that he can compete against Drake for Marina's love.
-Oh, yeah. There was a Drake in this movie, wasn't there? Okay, I gotta address something: there's something lacking in this movie. If Drake is supposed to be the main villain in this movie, then why doesn't he show up more? He just appears, acts like a total dick, and then we cut to boring scenarios and/or bland dialogue.
-And notice how many ships they find as Hubie is taught how to fight. But hey, I'd like to see them catch a ride on one of Bowser's airships.

Yeah! Maybe they could get Bowser's help in burning Drake to a crisp! Screw learning how to fight! Just let Bowser burn shit up!

Orcas scene:
So, just when you think that everything is going to be happy sailing from here... disaster strikes. The duo gets attacked by orcas; and... (gasp) Rocko goes missing.
-Yeah, telling by the abandoned handkerchief that just washed up, we can all just assume that Rocko is a goner.

Exposition scene:
We see Hubie's bird friends talking about Marina being in trouble. It's revealed that Drake kidnapped Marina, so that he can force her to marry him.
-Okay, now we're talking! The movie's villain finally has the balls to do something that evil!

Fight scene:
So... as told by our exposition characters... Marina is kidnapped, and...

-It doesn't look like Drake is gonna force her to marry him, but instead... He's carrying her into his lair... OMG! He's gonna get in her pants!!! Please tell me that Hubie is still coming to save the day!!!
So Hubie finally shows up and challenges Drake to a fight, and (big shock) Hubie loses the first round.
-Yeah, the elbow to the face can really knock the daylights out of a person...
-What's even more weird is that at the beginning of the fight, Drake, for some reason, picks up his pecs... unless he was trying to pick up his pants, but still!!! I mean, what was up with that?!
Anyway, Hubie isn't down for long, because he gets back up and pursues Drake.
-Now, I gotta admit: this fight scene is pretty cool... just like the fight scene from Beauty and the Beast. There are too many similarities to Beauty and the Beast to count! But hey, this one is still cool.
-Another thing: why doesn't Marina just leave? 

Drake kidnapped her, so you'd think she would run for her life; but she waits at the last minute to run away, allowing Drake enough time to recapture her! Think, people! Think!
So after a minute of "epic" fighting, Hubie finally punches and kicks Drake down a flight of stairs or... wherever's downstairs... And Hubie rescues Marina.
-Get ready for improbable-returning-from-being-pronounced-dead in 3... 2... 1...
(Rocko appears)
-How's that even possible? Those orcas earlier looked hungry enough to kill a person! Well, this is a work of fiction, so we'll give them that.
And speaking of improbable-coming-back-to life BS, guess who comes back for vengeance...

Drake: "Say your prayers you [inaudible]...!"
-Yeah. The bad guy comes back to life... even though he just fell a billion stories down his tower not too long ago...
So Drake throws a friggin' boulder at our heroes, but destroys his tower in the process. Plus, Drake gets crushed to death by falling rocks.

-That was disturbing- death by rocks. But hey, if kids' shows can get away with monsters squishing people...

...heroes narrowly escaping being impaled by a shovel...

...and bad guys surviving a self-destruction of a lair... 

...yeah! We might as well gloss over this scene too!
After falling for some time, Hubie and Marina are rescued when Rocko finally has the ability to fly.

-Wait. Rocko can fly now? Um... explain movie!

Ending:
Eh, screw it. Our heroes return home. Hubie finally proposes, and he and Marina get married and have kids.
-Our hero, everybody. If anyone's going to get into Marina's pants, it's Hubie. He takes care of business. (But, in fairness, he's much more kind and respectful than Drake. And plus, Hubie's the hero of this story.)
And thus, the movie ends with Rocko teaches Hubie's children to fly.

-(sarcasm) Yeah, learn from the flying master... who got those kind of powers in the most improbable way possible.

And that's The Pebble and the Penguin. Well, this was a hard one, but I'll be completely honest with this one.
First, I'll start with the bad stuff. The story had some plot holes. Most of the characters had little to no personality, except for the hero, the sidekick, and the villain. There is constant obvious-symbolism in this movie. Some of the animation seemed unfinished. The pebble had little to no importance, other than it's being used as an engagement ring for the love interest. And, as an added bonus, this movie cared very little about its villain: I thought this movie was going to give Drake so much attention, seeing that he's competing for the love interest. (You should know better, movie! You should know better!) And lastly, there were too many awkward moments to count.
Okay, that was all my bad stuff. The good news is that there were some things that I liked about the movie. Yeah, this movie tried to cater to the Beauty and the Beast fans and/or romance-moviegoers (in general), but it was worth a shot. I liked the premise that this movie tried to convey. Plus, the voice acting was decent, despite the movie's script giving the actors little to work with. To be honest, I don't care if the animation is sloppy; I don't care if the movie has problems. I liked this movie as a kid, and I would still appreciate it today.

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
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Sorry, folks. I thought I was done reviewing this movie. However, I forgot to mention one scene from this movie that really drives me the wrong way. I'm talking about the scene where Drake is scheming and hoping that Hubie doesn't come back so that he can marry Marina.
Right now, you're probably thinking: Whatsoever Critic, what makes this scene drive you bats? Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush any longer. So let me explain:
-First of all, view this scene as a whole, and tell me that that's as creepy as hell. It's like the writers of this movie wanted to make the villain more creepier than what he is. It's like they said: We don't think that the villain is creepy enough. So let's put him in a creepy-faced cave... 

...in a darkly lit room with bones scattered all over the floor, and... hang on. 


Let's also put a long bone in his hand, so that he can wave it at the audience. We know that sounds cliche, but who gives a damn? So, as you can imagine, the set-up is dismal.
-Second, we hear Drake explain some of the plot- how Hubie is fending for himself now that he's far away from home; plus, he hopes that Hubie doesn't come back. Oops, I tell a lie: he assumes that Hubie won't return home. How the fuck did Drake come up with that conclusion?! I guess he has psychic powers...(?) No. In fact, he doesn't have any powers whatsoever, other than his unexplained strength and the muscles.
-Third, while Drake is talking, we see two scavenger-looking birds listening to him, until he screams at them, prompting them to get the hell out of there. 

And is it fair to say that this is the only time in the movie that you'll get to see these two birds? 

Yeah; they never show up again. That had to be a waste of animation. But wait! Drake could've had those two birds spy on Hubie and/or prevent him from coming home. That would've made them much more useful. Think, people! THINK!!!!!
-Fourth, when I first watched this scene, I didn't think about the animation flaws, until the second viewing. When I saw this scene again, I started to notice what was wrong with the animation. For example, we would get one shot of Drake talking, and then we cut to the birds that are listening to him. 

But when we cut to him again, we see that part of his cape is missing. The cape was long and moved with him, but not part of it is gone as he's just sitting there. 

Am I the only one who's noticing this animation flaw?

I mean, think about it. Let's say I get a shot of my hand here:

And after shooting something else, I would come back to shooting my hand and... my thumb is gone.


Where's the consistency when you need it?
-Fifth, the voice acting to go with this scene is just uncomfortable... well, the tone of the voice fits the villain (obviously), but it may scare kids. Plus, if you listen to Drake's speech all the way through, it sounds as if Tim Curry had trouble sticking to either an American accent or a British accent.
Drake:
(American accent): "...there are only eight days left..."
(British accent): "... full moon mating ceremony..."
(American accent): "...and Marina still won't agree to be my mate..."
(British accent): "...Hubie is a leopard seal meal..."
I mean, how would you like it if Hush Puppy from Lamb Chop's Play Along kept switching from his Southern accent to an American accent?
Hush Puppy:

(Southern accent): "Yeah, but inside that big dawg would be hidin' a little puppy, eh?"
(American accent): "Charlie Horse, I just don't want to have to change my name..."
(Southern accent): "Yeah, I like my name. Hush Puppy. It's cute. Hush Big-Dawg..."
(American accent): "...that's not cute."
-And lastly, there's the big final push to make this villain seem scary- the friggin' candle on the cake... Drake saying the line at the end of the scene: "Marina is mine." 

This is where audiences either turn away in fear or keep looking because they froze with fear. I found it hard to look the first time I saw, because I was frozen with fear- screw Dr. Flurry's ingenious plan to literally freeze people in their fears

by displaying the fears

...and then freezing them into ice cubes...

...this scene with Drake should be one of the biggest pinnacles of fear put in a kids' movie!
And... look at the big smile that Drake gives at the end of the scene!! Doesn't that make you cringe?!

He just says that creepy line and then smiles into the camera, as if to say: "I'm gonna make this girl my bitch, and I'm okay with that." Yes, it was that big of a deal, after examining this scene a few more times. It's not rocket science.

Well, despite that scene being a little risky, I still stand by my consensus. It's not a bad movie, but I don't think it's perfect. I know it tried to be a kids' film, but try not to show this to younger kids.

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
The Pebble and the Penguin
Madagascar 3
Beauty and the Beast
Veggietales
Super Mario 3D Land
Penguins of Madagascar Lamb Chop's Play Along

Courtesy: MGM Studios; DreamWorks Animation; Disney; Big Idea Entertainment; Nintendo; and Shari Lewis.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

"Lyle the Kindly Viking" Veggietales Video Review

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

Just when you think that Mr. Nezzer has done enough antagonist roles in Veggietales... (not saying a lot)... he does another one. I mean, stop me if this sounds ridiculous: Mr. Nezzer as a Viking leader wanting to get even with a kind-hearted...
STOP!
(pause)
That didn't take long. Yeah, you're gonna have problems with Mr. Nezzer's bad guy role in Lyle the Kindly Viking.

Imagine a Christopher Nolan flick trying to sneak its way into Monty Python. Well, that's this video. The hero is okay, but the villain is atrocious. We have a comic relief... but to an extent. And, it's another one of Mr. Nezzer's two-dimensional personalities that you get to see over and over and over again in this series.
It's weird; it's kinda vague... This is gonna be interesting to review. So, let's take a look!

Opening Scene:
-Skipping the counter top scene where Archibald Asparagus asks to run the show for a day...

-And also skipping the "Shakespeare's Classic: Omelet" segment...

Our story finally begins when our clichéd narrator Archibald Asparagus reads out of a clichéd... pop-up book from writers Gilbert and Sullivan.

-Okay, the real Gilbert and Sullivan wouldn't make stories with pop-up book editions.

Real Opening Scene:
So Archibald starts off our story of Lyle the Kindly Viking, as he narrates.
One of the Two Women: (singing) "Good morning,..."

-Okay, as the singing women start the story... Oh, that's right! This story is supposed to be a musical. How convenient.
So, as their song puts it, the two women married to Vikings and could care less about what their husbands do whenever they go on their raids to plunder.
-Isn't that like being wives from The Godfather?
So we see the band of Vikings come sailing towards home with their stolen treasures.
-Now, before going any further, tell me if any of these clips seem out of the Viking norm. Let's try this first one:
Mr. Lunt: (singing) "...a pile of loot..."

Didn't catch it here? Let's try another clip...
Jimmy Gourd: (singing) "Some gold and jewels, and a shiny suit..."

Still didn't find it? Let's try one more...
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "...a giant screen TV..."

They have a TV! Really, guys? Where do big TVs fit in the Viking legend exactly? I don't think Vikings would've had that kind of entertainment back in their day. No...
So the Vikings sing their song, and then... they just stop for some reason.

-Yeah, they just sing one song, and then they move on. That was a drive-by musical number. (There's more to come; believe me...)

Next Scene:
So Archibald finally introduces us to our hero Lyle, played by Junior Asparagus.
-Yeah, Junior's playing yet another cutesy role in this series.
So it turns out that Lyle never goes on any raids with the other Vikings.
Mr. Nezzer: "You missed another raid, Lyle."
-Shut up! Let the kid do what he wants.
-By the way, the Viking leader is named Olaf, played by Mr. Nezzer. You know what? I'm not gonna use his character name, because he's Mr. Nezzer; that's who he always plays!
Anyway, Lyle spends his time doing cutesy stuff like... making potholders and saving some of the loot that the other Vikings would give him, so that he can go somewhere with them.
This gets Mr. Nezzer wondering about Lyle, which leads to another song so forced to contrive that it wouldn't ever be considered a legit Disney villain song.
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "What's up with Lyle? What's up with Lyle?"

-So, let me get this straight, Nezzer. You go from "The Bunny Song," to a hate-filled song. Kinda sadist, if you ask me. But who cares? You're the bad guy here!
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "I'm telling you that boy doesn't fit the Viking style..."
-Speaking of style, listen to how this song is being sung. Trust me; either his singing is atrocious, or it's just uncomfortable. At one point, he has a high-pitch tone for a second, because that's what his monotone voice can allow...
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "He's got me feeling all contempt-y..."
... and then seconds later, he sings a chord so low that he'll sound like a tuba dying...
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "...and brings it back here empty."
So... after that short villain song (by the way, drive-by musical number 2), we see our comic relief Sven (played by Larry the Cucumber) and Otar (played by Bob the Tomato).

Sven: (singing) "You guys go ahead. We'll catch up!"
Otar: "Sven, you don't have to sing."
Sven: (singing) "But it's a musical!"
-Is it best to tell you that that's gonna be the running gag of this movie? Sven singing at the sorriest times, and Otar telling him to not sing? And trust me; you won't believe what this running gag builds up to!

On Boat:
So, Sven and Otar decide to follow Lyle to see where he's going with the potholders and bag of loot. Eventually, the duo finds out that Lyle is giving away the potholders and loot to a group of monks that just recently got robbed from the Vikings.

So the monks thank Lyle through song, and everything turns out hunky-dory... (drive-by musical number 3)

Back at Viking Village:

...until Lyle returns home, only to be confronted by Sven and Otar.
Sven: (singing) "Not so fast! Don't take another hop!"
-Great, Sven finally found an appropriate time to sing in this veggie-Viking version of West Side Story!
Otar: (singing) "We never say please! And we never give stuff...(pause)... BACK!"
So, seeing that he's being confronted for helping the monks, what's Lyle gonna do to defend himself? Sing, of course!
Lyle: (singing) "When I share, I get a share a friend."

-Blah, blah, blah. Sharing is caring... But hey, at least this song made more sense than the other songs that just come and go. It's like:
Here's a song... Good bye!
Here's another song... Sayanara!
Here's another one... See you later!
But again, it's a musical.
So Sven and Otar decide not to snitch on Lyle for doing good things behind Mr. Nezzer's back. But wait! How are they gonna keep this a secret from Mr. Nezzer?
Sven: (singing) "If Olaf finds out, you'll be in big trouble!"
-Trust me; you'll hear the line "in big trouble" a couple more times in this movie...

On Viking Ship:
So the Vikings decide to raid the monks' place again. But Sven and Otar spot Lyle leaving the place after giving things away to the monks again. To make matters worse, Mr. Nezzer doesn't know about Lyle's whereabouts yet, but is looking through his binoculars.
Otar: "If Olaf sees him, he's in big trouble!"
-That's the second time you hear that line. There's only one more.
Gee! What's a Viking duo to do? Be comic relief!
Otar (singing): "Look, Olaf, there's a fish with a pretty yellow circle at the bottom of the backside of his fin!"
-A fish? With something on his rear? What? This song is sung really fast...
Sven (singing): "Look, Olaf, there's a turtle, and he's wearing pink pajamas, and he's got a cowboy hat upon his lid!"
-Okay, this is why you don't let your four-year-old help you brainstorm in writing a song.
Example:
Boss: So, what do you have for a song?
Songwriter: Well, my son inspired me this past few days...
Boss: Cool. What's it about?
Songwriter: It's about a fish with a yellow dot on its butt, and about a turtle wearing pink PJs and a cowboy hat...
Boss: How is that a song?
Songwriter: Well, the goal of the song is to distract the bad guy in our movie.
Boss: Have you been spending time watching your son draw pictures in kindergarten class again? Didn't you make the teacher and students there uncomfortable last time?
Songwriter: (pause) Man, I need help.
-Yeah, singing and dancing in front of a bad guy is ingenious.
But the comic relief antics do no good, because Mr. Nezzer finally sees Lyle and decides to bust him.

Mr. Nezzer: "That little Viking is in big trouble!"
-(mimicking Mr. Nezzer) Yeah, let's use that line more time!

Rainy Scene:
Just as Lyle is about to go home, he's confronted by Mr. Nezzer. And here, we get the most creepy, violent scene since the furnace scene from Rack, Shack, and Benny.
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "What do you think you're doing?"
Lyle: "I was..."
Mr. Nezzer: (singing) "Giving them stuff back?"
Lyle: "Well, yeah..."
-(mimicking Mr. Nezzer) Yeah, I'm gonna scare the shit out of this kid by jumping onto his boat, ripping up his sails, and tossing his oars into the ocean! Why?! I'm an asshole, that's why!
So Mr. Nezzer attacks Lyle and leaves him to die in the storm.
-That's one cliché: the villain seeing that death is the only option when dealing with the hero.

-Plus, I could just see Mr. Nezzer scaring all the little children that see this scene.
Anyway, the storm gets worse, and the Viking ship flips over with all the Vikings and Nezzer in it.

-(praying silently) Thank you.
But, to make matters worse, Lyle's boat flips over, sending Lyle into the water. The monks come to Lyle's aid and save him. The other Vikings see this rescue, and they're ashamed of the evil that they've done to the monks.
Then Lyle feels sorry for the Vikings that have clearly mistreated him earlier, so he asks the monks to help them out of the ocean. The monks hesitate at first, but reluctantly proceed in rescuing the Vikings.
-I guess... seeing that Sven and Otar were trying to help Lyle during this time. But what I don't get is, why did the monks save Mr. Nezzer first? I mean, geez! This video had to go that route: the bad guy gets saved first. Geez, you couldn't even keep the bad guy out of the rescue scenes! Why did he deserve to be rescued? He should've been left in the ocean to die... or, at least, rescue him last! He needs to learn his lesson!

After Storm:
So the Vikings show their appreciation of their rescue by singing about it, of course.

-Let them sing. It's a musical... forgot about that?
And then the biggest question of the movie strikes after the song...
Sven: "Does that mean that we can't be Vikings anymore?"
Head Monk: "Not necessarily..."
-(miminking Sven) So, uh, can we continue to steal from you or what? Well, gee, we just finished singing a short song about sharing, but who cares? We got a thirty-minute time slot here. So, we can make up any kind of plot, whatsoever...

Final Ship Scene:
So the Vikings sing a sharing-version of their opening song, and even inviting their wives for the boat ride. And so, the Viking family sets sail toward the sunset.

-Any chance we can end with what the running gag builds up to?
Sven (singing): "I need to go to the bathroom!"
Otar: "Sven, you can stop singing now."
Sven: "Oh..."
Thanks.

Final Counter top scene:
So after the story ends... and Archibald goes berserk, because apparently, all this time he read the wrong book...
-What, were you expecting to read Princess Ida? The Longoliers? (Oh, wait! Archibald's a British guy. Excuse me...) Or Harry Potter?
Anyway, Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber step in, despite Archibald's mental breakdown with his French peas, and tell the audience the moral of sharing, courtesy of Hebrews 13:16.
-Good moral.

End Credits:
As the credits roll, we see that Tim Hodge (former Disney animator) and Marc Vulcano (the guy who wrote and directed "Larry's High Silk Hat") directed this video, and that three people wrote this story.
-You heard right. Three people! I can't imagine how that process worked!

And that was Lyle the Kindly Viking, or as I like to call it, Monty Python... after hours(?)

Well, I'll admit. This wasn't a God-awful video. However, some of it was weak. I guess it's entertainably weak, because yes, there were some good jokes. Yes, there were different cool genres mashed up with the story. And yes, there was a really moral about sharing.
However, did you notice something lacking in Lyle the Kindly Viking? Yeah! Lyle the Kindly Viking! He just comes in, says sweet and innocent lines, and then we cut to either the side characters or more plot. I thought this was supposed to be about a viking that wanted to share. Why not make him a complex character or something?
As for Mr. Nezzer, of all the Veggietales videos (so far), this was where he finally had the balls to actually leave someone for dead. Would that sound good on a movie poster?:
Lyle the Kindly Viking: See why Mr. Nezzer leaves him for dead.
I would demand an explanation!
But overall, this video was okay, despite its weaknesses. Again, it's not a bad movie; it was just a weak video.

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Veggietales

Courtesy: Big Idea Entertainment

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Top 10 Most-Viewed Posts As of 3/18/14

Hi, I'm the Whatsoever Critic. I review just about anything.

I'll admit that it's been a while since I last wrote on this blog. Yeah, I had Mid-term exams and Spring Break. Anyway, I'm back, and yes... it's that time again! Another countdown!!!!

Now, before I go any further, I rethought what I wrote on my "Coming Soon in 2014..." post. I was thinking about editing some of it. So after this blog post, I'll give you all a new list of what I plan on working on for 2014. But until then, here's my top 10 most-viewed posts as of 3/18/14.

10. Sofia the First: The Floating Palace Movie Review

Sofia the First is in the top 10 most-viewed post list?!!! WTF is going on here?!!!

9. LarryBoy in the Good, the Bad, and the Eggly Movie Review


8. LarryBoy and the Rumor Weed Movie Review


7. Lamb Chop's Play Along: "The Guys" TV Show Episode Review

Remember when this post was number one in the countdown?

6. LarryBoy and the Bad Apple Movie Review

Wow! About time this review saw the light of day in a countdown!

5. LarryBoy in Leggo My Ego Movie Review


4. Veggietales: "The Toy That Saved Christmas" Video Review

Wow. A Christmas review makes the countdown? Awesome!

3. LarryBoy and the Angry Eyebrows Movie Review


2. LarryBoy and the Fib from Outer Space Movie Review

I guess this movie review retired to the number 2 spot in a countdown. I mean, seriously, this one was number 1 for so long.

1. Veggietales: "Rack, Shack, and Benny" Video Review


I knew this review would catch on! I mean, I was at this video for real; and trust me, this was insane!

Well, folks, that was my little countdown! Stay tuned for my updated "Coming Soon in 2014" post!

Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Sofia the First: The Floating Palace
LarryBoy The Cartoon Adventures
Lamb Chop's Play Along
Veggietales

All rights go to Disney, Big Idea Entertainment, and Shari Lewis.