DVD Screenings: "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie" (2008)

Hey guys! Whatsoever Critic here!
And today we're gonna be looking at the second feature-length film that Big Idea has, which is The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything...the title is ironic if you think about it.

No, this movie is based on a Silly Song of the same name from Veggietales. Now this may seem problematic to people who aren't familiar with the series, but... this is a legit movie.
I did a review on this movie on this blog a few years ago, and I'm hoping that LarryBoy Fanatic would give it a try some time after her League of Incredible Vegetables review... maybe.
Lately, we've been seeing this on HBO, and... I can't believe this movie would be good enough for HBO, but props! Anyway, we also have the DVD, so we're gonna put it on, and we'll watch it and analyze it like in our other DVD Screenings outings. So go ahead and enjoy!

(Showing Universal Studios logo)
LBF: I still can't believe that Universal Studios gave this movie a chance.
WC: My thoughts exactly.
LBF: Now if only they said yes to the idea of a LarryBoy feature-length film...

("Somewhere in the 14th century..." title card)
WC: Just so you know, audience, that this is a movie about pirates...
LBF: (giggling)

(Introduction of villain)

LBF: Oh. Wow. So this is our bad guy.
WC: I'd give the animators create for how they designed this character. But as for everything else... I have a feeling that we're going into generics territory.

(Princess Eloise has the Help-Seeker)

LBF: Archibald is a butler in this movie too? This has to be the role that he was born to play! He's a butler in the LarryBoy universe, and he's a butler in this movie!

("Somewhere in the present..." title card)
WC: By "present," do they mean "somewhere in 2008"? 'Cuz that's when this movie came out. I assume that that's what they mean by "somewhere in the present."

(The three leads talking to their girlfriends/families)
WC: By now, we get each character's flaws.
LBF: Yeah, Larry is scared of stuff. Mr. Lunt is lazy. And Pa Grape gets no respect from his own family.
WC: Wait. Why not call them by their stage names: Elliot, Sedgewick, and George?
LBF: Nah. I know them as Larry, Mr. Lunt, and Pa Grape.

(The blind guy prophesizes)
LBF: (mimicks blind guy) Beware the ides of March!
Both girls: (laughing)
WC: Seriously? We go that route? A fortune-telling blind guy?
LBF: Yeah, I can see people getting confused...

(Sir Frederick (Jimmy Gourd) mocks our leads by calling them "the Pirates Who Don't do Anything")
WC: Screw off, man.
LBF: That's not an insult. That's just him saying the title of the movie.

(Princess Eloise and Willory meet our leads)

LBF: I love how the princess is totally on board with having these guys around. She's all happy and all that.

WC: Meanwhile, Willory isn't having it.
LBF: You know why? 'Cuz he's the conformist stereotype that this movie has.
WC: I think everybody in this movie is a stereotype.

(The scene at Jolly Joe's)

LBF: Hey, where's Gaston when you need him? He would've loved this publicity.
WC: But then again, no one can do a musical number in a tavern like Gaston.

(The bartender telling the group about Robert the Terrible)
WC: Really? We're copying The Lion King with this backstory?
LBF: Why is that?
WC: This Robert guy wants to be king, but he's planning on killing his brother the king, and then killing his niece and nephew. What Disney movie does that make you think of?
LBF: Oh, gotcha.

(Newsboys-song montage of our heroes being lazy)

WC: Well, here's when the characters quote en quote: "don't do anything."
LBF: And Archibald is there just to get mad at them for even existing. Still waiting for that gotcha-moment...

(Our leads visit a cave)

LBF: Show of hands... Who still stayed in the theater up until this point?
WC: Why? Was it an empty house when you saw this in theaters?
LBF: No, I remember the audience size being decent. Not packed, but a good number of people were there. I just remember being in one of the smaller auditoriums of the theater.
WC: That explains this movie's reception... I guess.

(Sedgwick choosing to stay with the cheese curls)

WC: Okay now, if I had the choice to either continue the quest or to be stuck in a cave with a lifetime supply of my favorite snack food... I wouldn't stay in that cave! I'd get bored with the snack food really quick! That was piss-poor, this guy's reasoning in avoiding danger.

(Scene with Robert and Alexander arguing)

LBF: I'm having a hard time listening to what this Robert guy is saying...
WC: Because he's so generic?
LBF: Yeah. I totally get why you referring to The Lion King. Like, I keep expecting this guy to sing "Be Prepared" at any minute.
WC: I agree.

(The Rock Monsters)

WC: Since when did monsters become a thing in this movie?
LBF: I don't know.
WC: It's like, at this point, the movie decided to throw in whatever's entertaining to the kids.
LBF: And what was with the transition from the scene with Robert to this scene?
WC: What do you mean?

LBF: We just got done with seeing Robert threatening to kill the prince and princess. And then we smash-cut to Larry singing about bubble gum! At least give us time to digest what's going on!
WC: Oh yeah. That's kind of what happened in The Pebble and the Penguin, where the villain stares at you, and then they immediately take us to the next scene with fun and exciting music.
LBF: Those kinds of transitions are annoying!

(The dragon monster scene)

LBF: I don't get it. Robert is such a great inventor. I mean, look at some of this machinery. He could've made millions making and selling inventions. Why does he have to go and try to take over a kingdom like a madman?!
WC: True. There are a million other ways to write this story.

(Robert confronts Elliot, Sedgwick, and George)

WC: (sarcasm) Yeah, that's good imagery for the kids. Show him holding a sword dangerously close to somebody. That truly deserves a G-rating!

(Elliot, Sedgwick, and George give up in fear)
WC: Now we come to the point where this movie gives up. We have the heroes making fun of each other.
LBF: And the villain is just standing there, unimpressed.
WC: This is a really piss-poor hostage situation.

(Our leads get medals)

LBF: Hey! Where's our medal for sitting through this movie?!
WC: Yeah! We can't get a refund, so why not?

(The king explains why the Help-Seeker chose our three heroes)

WC: Wait, if he's saying that what happened on the island, when the Help-Seeker sent the go-home signal during the time that the princess was kidnapped... and that it was a test, DESPITE THE FACT that this was during the time the princess was getting kidnapped... (pause)
LBF: That makes no sense, because it seems like he's saying that he's willing to put his own daughter in danger to see if these heroes could pass his stupid test.
WC: I know, right?! So for all we know, this could've been a set-up! This could've been staged!
LBF: That just makes it confusing! It just sucks the magic and mystery out of this whole thing.

(Robert stows away on the heroes' boat, as they go back in time)
WC: Oh, great. That's great.
LBF: What? That he snuck on?
WC: Yeah.

(Willory says that he liked the heroes "from the very beginning")
LBF: No you didn't!
WC: (laughing)

(Robert fights our heroes on stage)
LBF: Nobody in that theater thinks to call the cops.
WC: This movie is so ripping off Galaxy Quest.
LBF: Yeah?
WC: In fact, this movie is similar to both Galaxy Quest and Three Amigos! That's why this movie is generic! It's because it has the same plot as those two movies!

(Showing Cast Members)
LBF: Show Cam Clarke played both Robert and the King.
WC: Wow.
LBF: I know.
WC: How would you like it if Jeremy Irons played both Scar and Mufasa in The Lion King? That would've been awkward.

("Rock Monster" Music Video)

WC: Now this is just a clusterfuck of who can be in the music video. We have people from the past and present coming together--it just ruins the magic of having that Help-Seeker to begin with--like, anybody can time-travel at this point! That's what this movie is telling us!

(Robert doing the robot in captivity)
WC: Screw off.
LBF: This is like seeing Kirk Cameron doing the worm in that one Christmas movie. Um, what was it?
WC: Saving Christmas?
LBF: Yeah, I think so.

(Bob the Tomato saying "That's a wrap")
WC: Really?
LBF: Where was he the whole time?!
WC: Wait. He was in the end credits a while ago--that little picture show of the cast members.
LBF: Yeah, I didn't get why he was even listed as one of the characters. But I get it now! He's in that one scene at the end. He was in this movie for a couple of seconds, and that's it. (laughing)
WC: Like, how do you put that on your resume?
LBF: You mean like: "Oh, I see you were in this movie called "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." What was your role in that movie?"
WC: And then Bob would be like: "Oh, I just said "That's a wrap," and then that was it."
LBF: "So you were in that one scene, Mr. Tomato?"
WC: "Yep. Just that one scene."
LBF Somebody call Steven Spielberg then!
Both girls: (laughing)

DISCUSSION
WC: So your thoughts on the movie?
LBF: Well, I'll give it this: when I first saw this movie in theaters, I didn't care. I didn't have a sense of criticism at that time. But now, it's like it's not the worst thing ever put to film, because there are other movies that I hate... and this isn't one of them. But at the same time, you can't help but notice how generic this whole thing was.
WC: It's like you CAN'T hate this movie, because they put a lot of effort in this.
LBF: Yeah, like the animation. That was better compared to the classic Veggietales videos, and even their Jonah movie. So yeah, Big Idea came a long way since then.
WC: The only problem with this movie is that it gets lost in the generics... like what Nostalgia Critic said about The Pebble and the Penguin--he said the same thing-- "lost in the generics." These two movies go hand-in-hand.
LBF: It's a little by the numbers, because of that.
WC: Yeah.
LBF: But if there was anything of value...
WC: Hmm?
LBF: I think this movie's soundtrack was the best thing to come out of this.
WC: But the characters didn't sing much.
LBF: Well, I was thinking more about the instrumental score.
WC: Oh, yeah. Kurt Heinecke did it again!
LBF: Yeah, if he could compose great music for the LarryBoy videos, then he could whip up a good score for a movie. I really hope this movie paid him good.
WC: Overall, this movie wasn't the worst, but it's that stigma of working with a generic script.
LBF: I was gonna say... I'd pay money to see a follow-up to this movie. That way they could explain the entire BS on the Help-Seeker. Because like what we were talking about with how the king was explaining it, it made it seem that this whole thing was planned, rather than be authentic, or even serious.
WC: Like if someone could rewrite this movie, and make it less generic, then yeah.
LBF: Yeah. (pause) Just yeah. I might review this movie eventually.

Whatsoever Critic