"Rack, Shack, and Benny" Veggietales Video Review

Hi, I'm the Amateur Critic. I review just about anything.

Ever since day one when I launched this blog, I promised myself that I would only review LarryBoy episodes from Veggietales. However, most recently, I came across "Rack, Shack, and Benny" from Veggietales.

Imagine taking the Biblical story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (from the Book of Daniel), the one that exhibited a Christian taboo in the storyline, and updating it with modern storytelling... and adding a hint of insanity to the mix. Well, that's this video. In fact, this video comes pretty close to the original story: here, the story takes place in a chocolate factory where the boss wants his employees to bow down to a giant bunny inspired by the product they're making, whereas the main threesome refuse, and they get their salads tossed.

How would one describe this video? I don't know. Well, I haven't seen this video in a long time. I just remember that it was weird and... kinda different of Veggietales. Well, it wasn't as suspenseful as the LarryBoy movies, but almost.

So why do I find this Veggietales video review-worthy? Well, let's dive into "Rack, Shack, and Benny."

Opening Scene:

We start off with... Larry wearing an oven mitt and wanting to be cool?
-We'll skip that.
Now, onto the real story, we hear our narrator who's...

-Well, first we get this strange opening where we're passing gate rails and the gates themselves. Really, guys? Is this the creative story that y'all are wanting to tell? Just show railings and gates in the beginning.
Then we finally meet our narrator named George... who's only occupations are guarding the factory gate and telling the story.

-Is it fair to say that he has little to no character in this video?
-Plus, what's with the hokey-pokey country-western accent of his?
George: "...and speaking of which, it's almost eight o'clock. Time for the morning milk delivery. Here comes Laura now."
And may I remind you that I've been taking country-western accent lessons from Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob Squarepants.

Anyway, George tells the audience about Nezzer's Chocolate Factory, where the employees work around the clock on making chocolate bunnies...

-...or as the opening song "Good Morning, George" suggests. 

During the musical number, we see how flat-out sadist that Nezzer's right-hand man, Mr. Lunt, can possibly be to the employees.

Then among the works in the assembly line, we see our heroes Rack, Shack, and Benny.

-Wow. The three guys from that Biblical story have nicknames? But don't you worry: the video tries to make up for that later on...

We see that Bob the Tomato is Shadrach "Rack," Junior Asparagus is Meshach "Shack," and Larry the Cucumber is Abednego "Benny." We also see that Laura Carrot is the factory's delivery girl.
Employees(singing): "We all need a vacation. Our schedule is severe. We're getting very tired..."

-My God, are they still singing? Tell the story already!!

After Song:

After the song is over, George officially starts the story by talking about the boss, Nebby K. Nezzer. George: "Now Mr. Nezzer is not a bad man. He just gets confused sometimes."
Yeah, Nezzer paid me to say this line, because he threatened to kill my whole family if I told the truth about his checkered past.
Then George announces an announcement.

-Try saying those last three words three times fast.

Inside the Factory:

And so, everyone stops working to see Mr. Nezzer announce that the factory had just sold its 2,000,000th chocolate bunny of the day. And how does he reward his workforce?: by letting them eat as many bunnies as they can for thirty minutes.

-Really? Why not give your employees a raise? 

So, while everyone else is eating away at the products that they've been slaving over all day...

-...which doesn't make sense, seeing that they worked around the clock making the stuff, and they're surrounded by all of it.

...while everyone else is eating the chocolate, Shack reminds his buddies not to eat too much chocolate. Rack and Benny don't see anything wrong with eating the chocolate, because they say that "everyone else is doing it."

But Shack clarifies by reciting a lullaby that his mother used to sing to him, which best supports the idea that even though their parents aren't around anymore that they should still respect what they've taught them as kids.

So the trio stops eating the chocolate, while being teary-eyed from the lullaby simply known as "Think of Me."

-It seems kind of innocent, until you remember the fact that this video is supposed to turn insane later on.

"Appreciation" Scene:
Moments later, Mr. Nezzer and his sidekick Mr. Lunt decide to check on the employees.
-And I must say that Mr. Nezzer may have introduced a new rule to this game of "How Long Does It Take For The Bad Guy To Go Insane": try to look directly into the camera as many times as you can in this video.

So Mr. Nezzer and Mr. Lunt come out of the office to see how appreciative the employees, but... what was surprise: everyone is sick from eating too much chocolate.

-Next time, give your employees a raise, you dumbasses!
Fortunately, Mr. Nezzer sees Rack, Shack, and Benny still feeling alive and well.

But wait, no. Mr. Lunt insists that Rack is sitting not standing, and then it's this back-and-forth BS about what sitting and standing is.

-Well, to be fair, Mr. Lunt made a good point. We never know whether Bob the Tomato is sitting or standing in any of the Veggietales videos. Well, if he's in a chair, then it's obvious that he's sitting, but at other times, we all have to assume that he's standing, I guess... but it's still a mystery.
Anyway, Mr. Nezzer decides to promote the trio by making them junior executives. So Nezzer ends up inviting them to his office the next day.
Then our narrator George...

-Seriously, do we really need a narrator for this story? The story is self-explanatory.

Office Scene:
So the next day (as George suggests), Rack, Shack, and Benny are greeted by the swinging doors of the office (literally), and Nezzer shows them his model of the finished product of a giant bunny as soon as the construction outside is over.

-I guess he settled for Jenga blocks and a chocolate bunny, because he was too good to buy Legos.
It's revealed that Nezzer wants to make the bunny "important;" so if he built a giant bunny, then everyone will think of the bunny as "important."

-Starting to see the false-idol angle here?
And to make matters worse, Nezzer wrote a song that the employees must sing to this giant bunny that's going to be the false idol.

-Are Benny and Nezzer Eskimo-kissing here?
The song is called... "The Bunny Song."
-I promise you, once he starts singing the song... it will never go away. I mean, that song is so catchy, that it's making Metallica's "Judas Kiss" look and sound good!
-Plus, what would best describe the scenery during this song? It looks as if Easter bunny symbols and Christmas lighting are duking it out with each other, trying to get the audience to look at them. I'm tempted to call this scene a "Drug-Induced Trance Moment," because, I mean, no sober person could've come up with this. If there was, then they seriously need to work on the lighting, because it's like walking into a night club with little to no lights, except the ones dancing around like a neon lights commercial. But I'll pass...

-Furthermore, the song itself has been edited so many times. (You can imagine why.) The original version contained lyrics like "I don't love my mom or my dad" and "I won't go to church, and I won't go to school," which spawned some letters from parents saying that their kids are learning and singing this song- that was the controversy of this song, if you didn't know that. So, Big Idea writers had to quickly make some changes to perfect "The Bunny Song," but even when they did perfect it, there were still some controversy over it, because the tune is so catchy. Again... it will never go away!!!
After the song, the trio feels uncomfortable about the song's subject matter. They don't say out loud that they don't like the lyrics. However, Rack bravely asks the question on what if someone refuses to bow down to the giant bunny and sing "The Bunny Song." Nezzer shows the trio the furnace (where all the rejected bunnies go to from the assembly line) and warn that in his mind...

Nezzer: "...if you don't bow down and sing the song, you're a bad bunny!"
-Well, nothing offsets the happy theme of Veggietales, with a deranged thought about murder.

The trio freeze with fear about the thought of getting murdered if they don't worship a bunny that's apparently the size of a kingdom. Then our narrator steps in...

-Now, where do you really give a crap about the narrator? He has little to no character in his story... other than narrating!
George: "What would you do if you were them?"
Hello? Are you still there, audience? I know you think country-western accent seems kinda goofy at this point, but I'm at least trying to help y'all strike up a discussion time with your mom and dad... but y'all aren't, are y'all? Well, back to the story...
George: "I'd better hold that thought. The ceremony is starting..."
-Okay, we don't need you to tell us when events are starting, Mr. Narrator. Can you piss off?

Outside:

Mr. Nezzer announces the completion of the giant bunny. As soon as the giant bunny gets in place, Mr. Nezzer orders everyone to bow down and sing "The Bunny Song." Everyone does this... except for Rack, Shack, and Benny.

Nezzer and Mr. Lunt see this and they literally transport themselves over to them and order them to sing.

-So Nezzer can afford laziness-promoting technology, but not Legos for his bunny model?
Nezzer: "I said, it's time to sing 'The Bunny Song.'"

-I said, it's time to back the hell off, big man... (That would be my response to him).
But Rack, Shack, and Benny stand their ground.
Nezzer: "Sing the song!"
-Here's my other thought whenever I watch this scene: Very stupid, Nezzer...
Nezzer: "SING!"

-Man, I wish I can choke this Nezzer jerk-off with magical breath like the Grand Duke of Owls would from that movie Rock-A-Doodle. It works so well... but anyway...
Shack starts singing his mother's lullaby, and then Rack and Benny join him. At first, it seems like Nezzer has a change of heart... but no. (He's the friggin' villain, that's why!) Nezzer orders his guards to capture Rack, Shack, and Benny and take them to the furnace.
Laura sees the trio in trouble and decides to risk her delivery job by using the delivery truck.

Back Inside The Factory:
Rack, Shack, and Benny are tied up and placed on the assembly line that's heading for the furnace.
-Since when did a chocolate factory become a place to burn hostages? Eww! We could be eating burnt body parts in our chocolate bars and not even know it!!!
Benny: "Rack, I can move my arms!"
Rack: "Uh, Benny? You don't have any arms."
(mimicking Benny and Rack)
Benny: Hey, come on! I was just trying to create comedy relief before we go.
Rack: Well, it's kinda pointless, Benny.
Mr. Nezzer begins intimidating our trio by doing so many diabolical things to them: by singing extra lyrics to "The Bunny Song"...

questioning his road to insanity directly to them...

standing on the assembly line with them...

and spinning on some of his equipment...

-Yeah, this is the evil Mr. Nezzer that we've been waiting for, for twenty minutes of the video.
Nezzer: "...your fate is sealed. You're payin' for your crime..."
-(sarcasm) Yeah, riveting.
Then Nezzer gives them one last chance to sing "The Bunny Song."
-Kinda reminds me of the "Choose Me or The Fire Scene" from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I don't know... just a thought.
Rack, Shack, and Benny explain to Nezzer that their parents taught them to be good and to stand up for what's right. They even say that "The Bunny Song" has bad stuff in it. So, you'd think Mr. Nezzer would have a change of heart this time...
-(pause) You know where this is going!
So Nezzer sends the trio down to their fiery grave, but Laura flies by and saves them.

-Oh wow! Game over for you, Nezzer!
But no. Nezzer ends up sending his guards to go after the heroes, and...
-Is it me, or does the graphics seem kinda slow. This is supposed to be an action scene, but I keep finding myself wondering why half the shots are fast and exhilarating...

while the other half is slow and fake.

The foursome manage to escape the guards.

-I could care less about the camera getting a shot of Nezzer's eyes.
Laura: "Which way do I go?!"
Shack: "Go up! Go up!"
(the delivery truck flies downward)
Shack: "Or down..."
----------
Shack: "I knew this was the way!"
Laura: (unsure) "I don't think this is the way..."
(pause)
Shack: "This ain't the way..."
-Okay, guys. Are we not aware that Nezzer wants to kill us... or really not aware that Nezzer wants to kill us? I mean, this isn't a road trip where you get lost and argue about the directions... unless you're talking about the plot that brought us here...
It turns out that the group really did go the wrong way, because they find themselves back inside the factory.

-I guess Nezzer was also too cheap to buy GPS systems for his delivery trucks.
Nezzer finds the group, and has Mr. Lunt catch the delivery truck with mechanical arms. Laura escapes by jumping safely off the truck, and... leaving Rack, Shack, and Benny to fend for themselves?!

-Geez! You could've at least untied them, you moron!
Rack, Shack, and Benny find themselves staring down at the furnace below them, which looks like Bowser's leftover lava from his Enchanted Inferno from Mario Party 7... or a bowl of blended Spaghetti-O's... (I don't care which).

Shack: "Remember how our parents said that God is always watching over us?"
Rack: "Yeah?"
Shack: "I sure hope they were right!"

-Are you suggesting that you faith in your parents' wisdom has abandoned you at this point? What the heck happened? You were doing pretty good with standing up for what you believed in until now!
But before the delivery truck could tilt anymore, Laura pulls the plug to the machine, shutting it down.

Laura: "I said, nobody bakes my bunnies!"
-Take that, Nezzer! How dare you try to kill people in a Veggietales episode, let alone threaten their lives!
You'd think this would come to some relief to Rack, Shack, and Benny... but their weight breaks the nails underneath them...

opening the door beneath them, and letting them fall into the furnace.

-So, I guess pulling-the-plug logic doesn't save the day this time...
It looks like Nezzer won...

-Okay, now he's insane!! Plus, don't you mean like Ratigan said in that rainy Big Ben scene from The Great Mouse Detective?: "I won!! (Evil laughter)" Oh wait. He has more to say:
Nezzer: "Nobody's ever gonna stand up to me again!"
But his celebration is brief, because white light starts to flood the place, and even the furnace.

Mr. Lunt inspects the furnace and claims to see that the three guys aren't burning up, and that a fourth person is inside, which is revealed to be an angel because of Mr. Lunt's comment:

Mr. Lunt: "Well, it looks like four guys are in there now, and one of them is real shiny."
-So I guess the "shiny" characteristic proves that the fourth person is, in fact, an angel. Kinda symbolism, if you're a Christian.
Nezzer is amazed by the three guys not burning up, so he calls to them... saying the "magic words":

Nezzer: "Rack! Shack! Benny! Come out of there!"
...and presto! Rack, Shack, and Benny come out of the furnace alive... just like in the Biblical story.

-But still, kids. Don't try this at home.
So finally, at long last, Mr. Nezzer realizes that God has saved Rack, Shack, and Benny from the furnace, and then he tries to make up for this wickness and insanity.

-So, what are Rack, Shack, and Benny going to do now? Offer him counseling, or take him to an asylum? (Not really.)
The trio forgive him, and they sing him a song about... well, the song is called "Stand Up."
-I gotta admit that this song is just as catchy as "The Bunny Song," but this "Stand Up" isn't as offensive and controversial as Nezzer's song.
And hey! Even the other workers join in the song.

-Not that they did anything in this video aside from working and being quick cameos in musical numbers...
Well, the story ends with everyone in the factory being happy and... the factory shaking its booty to the music?

-I never understood that part...
And plus, George is there...

-(mimicking George) Hey y'all! I did absolutely nothing, but try to narrate this story that was already self-explanatory to begin with!

So the moral of this story was... well, as Qwerty puts it from the Bible: "Stand firm, and hold to the teachings we passed on to you." (2nd Thessalonians 2:15)
-That's a pretty good moral. I'd give the video credit for that.

And that was Rack, Shack, and Benny. Well... (pause) what can I say? Well, how about this? I love Veggietales, but this was insane!
Of all the Veggietales videos so far, this one had to be the most controversial... well, aside from the interpretation of temptation in LarryBoy and the Bad Apple. Well, for a controversial episode, the moral of the story was tolerable, because it fit the story great; but all of that just gets lost in the insanity of the main antagonist.
Furthermore, the songs were unforgettable, because of the fact that they were so catchy, including "The Bunny Song," which either worked to the viewers' liking or didn't: in the case of "The Bunny Song," it didn't work well.
And plus, what's with the brush with death in this video? I know that Big Idea wanted to reinvent the retelling of the Biblical story that this was based on, but why scare the kids? Why make a kid-friendly version of a Biblical story that pointed out religious taboos like worshipping a false idol? And why scare the kids with a character that was just bat-shit insane at the beginning?
And don't think Mr. Nezzer will turn out nicer in the Veggietales series. Just see him in "Lyle The Kindly Viking"!

Amateur Critic
Sources: Veggietales: "Rack, Shack, and Benny"

All rights go to Big Idea Entertainment

Editorial: Why Should Kids' Specials & Movies Be More Edgy?

Hi, I'm the Amateur Critic. I review just about anything.

Of all the specials and movies that I've talked about so far in this blog, I've looked back at the ones where I evaluated them as "needing to be more edgy." That's been like a regular joe in some of my reviews.

But what does it mean?

From what I could gather from dictionaries and definitions online, to be edgy is to challenge the social norms and to reveal something that's never been done or seen before. It's to break out from being ordinary to extraordinary. Yeah, that would be the basic definition of "edgy."

Now here's my question: Why should kids' specials and movies be more edgy?

Only for a few reasons.

1. More edginess unlocks more imagination in the kids' minds. Kids want to explore. Kids will have questions to ask. Kids will dream whatever they want.
Well, to be fair, we want our kids to know right from wrong and be responsible; but we must also realize that kids have to express themselves by creativity and brainpower.

2. We don't want to bore our kids with blandness in movies and shows. I mean, there are movies and shows that do just that, and they waste the time of kids, while they can be smiling, playing, and learning. It's best to give our kids the entertainment that they truly deserve, instead of throwing some story at them and offering them nothing in return.

3. Let your kids know what's real and what's not real. Most movies and shows may have some scary moments, and most kids may see that. However, it's okay for kids to be scared, because this gives parents an opportunity to have a family discussion about why stuff happens in movies. Plus, after a scary, dark moment goes by, there's usually a sign of hope. So why not talk to your kids about hope?

To sum it up, more kids' shows and movies should be a little more edgy. I wouldn't advise either scaring your kids to death or boring them to death. No. But why not let your kids learn and grow? It's Sociology (and Psychology) 101.

Amateur Critic
Sources:
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
Sofia the First: The Floating Palace

All rights go to Big Idea Entertainment and Disney.

"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie" Movie Review

Hi, I'm the Amateur Critic. I review just about anything.

As I said before, the Veggietales movie Jonah is so overrated in the Veggietales world, because one, it stole LarryBoy's opportunity for a feature-length film; and two, it's the biblical story of Jonah! Well... except for the talking caterpillar, the dumbass humor, and the whale's belly turning into a concert stadium...
Now, as time in by, Big Idea has came up with great DVDs, but also mediocre material. It's like sometimes they left their brains at a convention, but then found them at the lost-and-found section of the convention. Then one day, the company decided to do another feature-length film. Gee, I wonder what their next movie will be about. I mean, sure. Their first movie was awkward, but people make mistakes, right?
In January 2008, Big Idea gave us another movie. And you won't believe what this movie is about. Now stop me if this sounds ridiculous: pirates who don't do anything...
[STOP]
Well, it's based on the group of the same name in the Veggietales show. But that makes no difference. It's this movie... under the same name: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie.

This movie is like a Pirates of the Caribbean knock-off with a side order of forced comedy. If you were to watch Veggietales and Pirates of the Caribbean at the same time in the same room for an hour, then this is what you'll see. At times, the movie can be promising; but then at other times, you'd swear the monsters and some of the crooks in this story would make much better characters (in fact, some of the monsters do). Plus, at times you'd think this movie would be serious; but at other times, it doesn't seem like a legit pirate movie... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Or perhaps the movie would start on a cutesy note, and it would be Larry the Cucumber that would make us smile for the first few minutes. So, let's see how this movie starts...

Opening Scene:
Pirates are invading a royal ship with a prince named Alexander fighting back alongside his army men...

-(pause) I... I guess this is The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything... I mean, seriously. We're starting off this movie with a fight scene? What will the kids think about all this?
Example:
Kid: Mom, why are they fighting?
Mom: Well, because the good guys are trying to get rid of the bad guys.
Kid: But the bad guys are scary!
Mom: I know, son, which is why the good guys are there to fight back.
Kid: Mommy, I don't think I want to see them fighting...
Mom: Okay, okay. I'll fast-forward it to when they show Larry the Cucumber...
Anyway, both teams are duking it out, until Alexander gets captured by the pirates. And who, may you ask, is leading the pirates? Well, it turns out that the pirate captain his Alexander's evil uncle Robert the Terrible, played by Cam Clarke...
-Cam Clarke? Who's he?
(researching)
Okay, he was Leonardo from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series, Liquid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid video game series, and Prince Adam and He-Man from the 2002 version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe TV series. (How does a turtle-based hero a manly superhero turn into an evil pirate? Plus, just like he plays two roles in the He-Man series, he plays two roles in this movie, but I'm not giving away what his other role is yet...)

Anyway, Robert discusses his evil plans to his nephew: kidnapping both him and his sister Eloise. The other pirates search for the princess, but they fail to find her.
So, as the pirates take off with Alexander, below deck, Eloise and her butler Willory (played by Archibald Asparagus from Veggietales show) come out of hiding; and immediately, Eloise wants to fight back by using a sword that she pulled out from out of nowhere, but Willory advises against it...
-Okay, that sword looks very real. What the hell happened to wooden swords? Is this movie trying to be more serious than what it should be?
-Plus, this raises a feminist thing: if a man stops a woman from doing something that could either solve a problem or risk her life in some way, chances are this guy is a total douche bag. Why? 'Cuz it's like saying that even a girly butler has more credibility to do heroic things than a woman does...
Anyway, Eloise finds an alternative by... pulling another random thing from out of a box this time and calling it a "Helpseeker." This device, created by her father, the king of a place called Monterria, is supposed to find a group of heroes that can help Eloise get her brother back from her evil uncle.

-Oh, look. It's a medieval version of Craigslist. I could just see the ad for this device:
A Group of Heroes (Any)
Now Hiring
The royal family of Monterria are searching for heroes to rescue a prince and protect the royal family. The job is urgent at this point.
Compensation: No pay, except when either injured on the job or the inevitable happens.
Perks: May be treated like a god. The welcome wagon is also included.
No need to send in a resume, because again, this job is urgent.
You may apply in person... seriously. This job is urgent.
Eloise activates the Helpseeker, and the device literally comes to life and "searches" for these... "heroes." Yeah, the device sneaks past pirates and jumps into the ocean.

After Opening Title Sequence:

After the rushed opening title sequence... which was really rushed because they don't give you time to reach each of the credits... we see that our main characters George (played by Pa Grape), Sedgewick (played by Mr. Lunt), and Elliot (played by Larry the Cucumber) work at a pirate-themed restaurant.

We then learn the problems of each of the guys: Elliot has this "list" of fears that he has problems with, which turns off his girlfriend; Sedgewick is too damn lazy to do things for his girlfriend; and then George is struggling to impress his family, including his own kids, because they think the restaurant actor Sir Fredrick is much more cooler than him...

Restaurant Scene 2:
It's after hours, and the trio are cleaning up. They then talk about how they don't seem heroic to their women and kids, and how their jobs are part of the problem.
Just then, guess what this movie tosses our way: an old blind guy prophesizing to them how an adventure awaits them and that "the stage is set for the heroes at hand."

After that brief cameo from this personality-deprived old man with the power to prophesize (I guess), Elliot misinterprets the old man's message by saying that it means that they should audition for the restaurant's show.

Restaurant Scene 3:
The trio agrees to audition. But come audition time, the guys screw up on their roles and lines; and their rushed slap-stick antics result in destroying half the theater and the guys getting fired.

Outside the Restaurant:
The trio gets thrown out into the alley literally like trash. Before the guys can sulk in their new troubles, they then come across the Helpseeker.

-Hi, how did that device get to the present? Does it come with a time-travel feature?
Elliot tries the device out by presenting a button, which summons a boat from up in the sky.
-Pretty farfetched. But, as you know, this is a kids' movie, right?
The guys jump into the boat, and the boat time-travels them to the 17th century, where Eloise and Willory are waiting for them on their royal ship.

On Royal Ship:

So, the trio is introduced to Eloise and Willory.

Eloise gives them the welcome wagon...
-...just as advertised in their medieval version of Craigslist...
...while Willory is less impressed. In fact, he brings Eloise aside to tell her about the strange pirates.
On the other hand, our so-called heroes huddle up to talk about how they're being mistaken as heroes, but they decide to use this opportunity to be treated like "heroes," instead of feeling like losers.

-Starting to see the highlight of this movie now?

Royal Ship Scene 2:

So the gang sets sail for a while, and Eloise tells them about the sword that her uncle had apparently left behind earlier when he was kidnapping her brother. She wants to know where the sword comes from, and our band of pirates agree to help her. But still, Willory doesn't seem to like these heroes.
-Oh, come on Archibald Asparagus. You're just jealous that Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt, and Larry the Cucumber stole your chance of making Jonah 2.
But then they run into a group of pirates run by their fearless leader One-Eyed Louie.
-This makes this pirate seem very clichéd, because all that time he has one eye closed. That's really trying too hard, guy.
Well, the pirates get defeated by the inevitable: Sedgewick unknowingly sets off a canon, which does some damage to the pirate ship. This quickly impresses the princess, which gives Willory the "told you so" card towards our heroes.

Jolly Joe's:
The gang makes it to a pirate hang-out simply known as Jolly Joe's. The princess tags along, while trying to stay hidden in her cloak.
-Girl, you're just asking to be discovered and kidnapped. Just wait until a few scenes later... Yeah! I dare you to remember this scene!
As the group enters the place, we come across a musical number that just popped out of nowhere.
-And honestly, I kinda like this musical number. It's lively; it's got rhythm... Just hearing the song alone on the soundtrack, it's pretty good. But when you hear the song in the movie, it makes it seem so riveting.
Anyway, the group learns from Jolly Joe himself that the sword belongs to Robert the Terrible, and that the evil pirate plots to kidnap the prince and princess of Monterria in hopes of getting the king, Robert's brother, to give him the throne and crown.
-Is this starting to become a The Lion King knock-off as well? I mean, with the evil uncle and his evil plotting of stealing a kingdom by killing people? I mean, Robert the Terrible has a British accent just like Scar from The Lion King. Doesn't any of that ring a bell?
The gang also learns that in order to get to Robert's fortress, they'll have to consult the clues that are in a place called the Rocks of Malabar.

Royal Ship Scene 3:
George, Elliot, and Sedgewick think over what's been going on, and they question what they should do in order to get home. They finally decide to take the hero thing a step further by acting like heroes, but doing absolutely nothing at the same time.
-Okay. Do you know what this is? This is a Veggietales version of a lecture or the most boring session that you've ever been to, because all this is, is the characters talking about things, expressing their feelings, and analyzing them. All that is okay, but to some extent. Why can't there be more showing than telling?

Royal Ship Scene 4:

The next day, the guys make good on their promise by not doing anything productive... while playing games, napping, and being in a montage with a song by Newsboys.

-I gotta say that this song in particular wasn't as riveting as the Jolly Joe's song. I'd rather hear the Jolly Joe's song again, instead of this boring song about the pirates not doing anything, but then one of them does something near the end of the song. Look, I know that the movie is entitled The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, but do we really need to sing a song emphasizing that? I mean, we already have a song that says exactly that! Just refer to the Silly Song Countdown, if you don't know!
So, during the montage, George decides to pull his own weight on the ship by helping Eloise clean up and tend to the ship.

Royal Ship Scene 5:
Later, the gang comes across the biggest whirl pool ever to mankind.
-Gee, that kinda looks like the whirl pool from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End... except this one here is not so threatening...
-So this must be where the non-BS riveting pirate adventure happens? So, when do we get started?
But it turns out that the storm was nothing but a sea mirage, of which George points out from his knowledge of Weather Channel.

-Just curious: how many references to pop culture are there in this movie?
At least 5.
And that's not including the movie that this movie is spoofing!

Meanwhile...:

While our heroes row their boat to an island, Eloise and Willory stay behind... which proves to be a bad idea, because two of Robert's spies find them there.

Cave Scene:
So our heroes end up finding the clues, which is no more than a billboard posted on the cave wall.
-How dramatically convenient for a villain. You'd think that a bad guy like him wouldn't be that subtle.
Then our heroes come across some gold... cheese curls (the way Sedgewick describes them). Then Sedgewick turns on his friends, refusing to go any further on their adventure because he doesn't think that they're real heroes at all.

So George and Elliot leave, while Sedgewick gets attacked by the...
-Wait. Are those live Cheetos? What are they? Explain, movie!

Outside the Cave:
George and Elliot see that the royal ship has been taken over and the princess being kidnapped.
-See, princess. I told you were asking to get discovered and kidnapped back at Jolly Joe's when you were in that cloak of yours! I told you so!
To make matters worse, the Helpseeker blinks indicating that it's time to go home already. But George still wants to pursue the princess, saying that if he goes back home, then he'll a much bigger loser to his wife and kids than he is now. Elliot decides to continue the journey with George, and they take off on the bad guys' boat, because apparently the bad guys took theirs while they were still in the cave.
-Oh, by the way, how's Sedgewick fairing out?

Still In the Cave:
Sedgewick is being chased by the possessed Cheetos. He's about ready to throw in the towel, but then a crab shows him a way out. All Sedgewick has to do is climb up a bunch of rocks to get to the exit.
Then we another cliché as Sedgwick climbs up the rocks, we hear this pop-rock disco-like music that emphasizes how successful and brave he is...
-Seriously?
Eventually, Sedgewick makes it out alive and jumps into the water.
-Wait. That's it? He climbs up some rocks, only to drop himself into the ocean? Are you kidding me?

Fortress Scene:
We see that Alexander is still in captivity as he hears his uncle tell him more of his sinister plan, and why he dislikes his brother, King Mufasa... I mean, the "good and generous" King (who has no name in this movie).

-Listen, Mr. Cam Clarke. I know you're in a movie called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, but if you're trying to do a Tim Curry performance, it's not working. However, if you still want to act and sound like Tim Curry, might I suggest imitating his roles in these movies?:
The Pebble and the Penguin
or
Barbie in The Nutcracker
So, Robert reveals to Alexander that he caught his sister Eloise, and says that they have two hours to tell him where their father is or die. He sets up an hourglass to emphasize this...
-Geez! How many times does this movie have to emphasize things? The audience isn't that stupid!
-Another thing: now I know who stole Jafar's hourglass from Aladdin.
-Plus, it's not like Veggietales to mention death. I mean, in all their movies and videos, death is one of their big no-nos. But to see the bad guy threaten to kill people, I was shocked. I couldn't believe I was watching that. This is a Veggietales movie?
Even though Robert makes that kind of threat to the children, neither Alexander nor Eloise bat an eye on their despair, except frown about it.
-I mean, aren't they scared of death? If that's the case... do these people get kidnapped by Robert on a daily basis? If so, then this would be like a Veggietales version of Mario Bros., where the guys have to save Princess Peach from the evil Bowser in every single game... every single day. Well, that's what it's looking like, because again, the prince and princess don't show any more emotion other than frowning!

On Another Island:
Anyway, back to the story...
Elliot and George arrive at the isle, only to be surrounded by... rock monsters resembling a father with three kids.
-Wow, I guess the mother didn't want to show her face on camera...
Just then, Sedgewick arrives, having swum all the way over here from that other island...
-...which is impossible, unless you're a swimming enthusiast raising money for charity...
And it turns out that the cheese curls are still following Sedgewick, and they still chase him.
-Wow. How possessed can those creepy bastards get?
This chase amuses the rock monster kids, and then the monsters play with the cheese curls.
But there's no time for playing because our heroes finally see Robert's fortress.

Since the entrance to the fortress is closing, the heroes see that they'll never make it in time; but the rock monster dad gives them a hand by... doing a cannonball in the ocean, sending him racing through the entrance before it can close.
-Okay, okay. Wait a minute. Since when did this movie become a sports competition? I could just see myself judging the different kinds of sports that this movie exhibits?
Fencing: 5.0
Cannonball Shooting: 9.5
Running (from something, like the possessed cheese curls): 7.5
Long-Mile Swimming (swimming from the killer cheese curls): 9.5
Diving (with Cannonball technique performed by Rock Monster): perfect score of 10

Outside Fortress:
Our heroes sail quietly across the ocean towards Robert's fortress. But then they come across the world's most obvious mechanical sea serpent. This is where Elliot finally forgets his "list" of fears and steps up to save the day.
-About friggin' time he stops talking about the "list." He just wouldn't shut up about it throughout the movie until now!
But the serpent eats him, and now it's only George and Sedgewick. But the monster shuts off, and Elliot cuts his way out of the monster to reveal that the whole thing was only machinery.
-Another use of the turning-off-a-light-switch logic...

Fortress Scene 2:

Our heroes make it into the fortress, while the camera lingers on the hourglass a few times, jumping back and forth from the heroes to the hourglass, and so forth.
-Stop lingering on me, camera. Everyone knows that time is passing. I'm a friggin' hourglass!

Fortress Scene 3:
Our heroes finally make it to the dungeons where Eloise, Alexander, and Willory are being imprisoned. They figure out that the only way to get the key from the jailer... is to use a RadioShack knock-off of a remote-controlled toy car.
The plan works, and the heroes free the prisoners from their cell.
-Now, before we go even farther, guess which one blows their cover for everyone.
(Hint: Who slams the cell door, waking up the jailer?)
Answer: Willory.
Wow. What a douche! I wonder what the heroes are thinking right now:
Geez, Willory! You had to make noise, didn't you? Gosh, why did we have to bring you along? You are just a friggin' tease!

Escape Scene:
Our heroes run into Uncle Scar... uh, I mean... Robert the Terrible, on his best clichéd behavior. So this must be where our band of misfits grow some balls and fight this evil baddie...
...or...
-Wait. They drop their swords after taking one look at the pirate? What the hell?!
Then George admits a sad secret to Robert and the royal children...
-...I can't wait to start filming Abe and the Amazing Promise...
No, no. George admits that he and his two pals aren't really heroes, but only cabin boys from their restaurant. But then George gets an idea so crazy that he thinks that this would give him and the other guys free passes to redemption: he throws the chandelier at Robert, knocking him out, and... he's a pear with a mechanical body?
-We've waited an hour to see the villain for what he is... and this is what he really is?

Escape Scene, continued:
Our heroes manage to escape through the fortress's cistern, but the bad guys are still onto them, as Robert sails towards them and starts shooting at them with cannonballs.
-Is it me, or is this scene spoofing the minigame "Balloonatic" from Mario Party 7, except without balloons and it wasn't really a game but a matter of life and death?

Oh, I almost forgot: another shooting event in this unexpected sports competition in a movie...
Before Robert can blast our heroes to kingdom come, another ship breaks into Robert's hide-out.

It turns out that it's not Mufasa that's arrived to put his brother in his place, but the King of Monterria himself. The royal ship destroys the pirate ship. As the pirate ship sinks, Robert swears further revenge.
-I betcha as soon as he's underwater, he'd be like: Don't think Hollywood doesn't do sequels! This BS must end today... or they'll keep making more Pirates of the Caribbean movies!

Ceremony:
The King rewards George, Elliot, and Sedgewick for their bravery and honor.

-In answer to who Cam Clarke's other role in this movie is: he's both Robert the Terrible and the King himself. That's really strange playing both the bad guy and the good guy.
The King then explains the moral of the story: a true hero is not always the stereotypical type that most people think of (tall, strong, handsome, etc.), but mainly he or she who does the right thing no matter how hard the situation is.
-Yeah, that's the moral that we've been waiting for for more than an hour. But... I'm not sure if most kids would understand that moral.
-Plus, how the heck did he know about the three heroes' problems? Well... he did make the Helpseeker, but that still doesn't explain how he was able to find the heroes and his kids that one scene...
Anyway, the King let's the heroes go home, not paying attention to the robotic hand that seeks onto their rowboat as they go back to the present.
Oh, and take a listen to this:
Willory: "I liked them from the very beginning!"
-Blow me.

Back to the Present:
Our heroes return to the restaurant, only to find that Robert the Terrible had followed them home and has started attacking the cast and crew at the theater show. George, Elliot, and Sedgewick jump into action, as they put their scripted pirate roles into good use -the scripts that they should've used during their audition- and they end up sending Robert back to his own time to face his crimes.
The audience in the theater cheers our heroes, including their girlfriends and George's kids who finally respect their dad.
-About time those brats appreciate their own dad. You selfish bastards treated him so lowly at the beginning...
Their manager wants to make them regulars in the pirate show, but George tells him that that won't be necessary...
-...in other words, that was a verbal alternative to giving the middle finger to the person that fired him.
Just then, the Helpseeker returns to them, blinking again...
-...Does this suggest a sequel?
(ending cuts to black, and then the credits roll)
...Oh, I guess we'll never know...

Music Video:

After the cast is credited, we cut to Sedgewick and the other guys singing a parody of "Rock Lobster" in their song called... "Rock Monster."
-You can't help but laugh at this song. Why? Because this music was written and choreographed by monkeys.

Well, guys... (pause) Where do I begin with this?
Well, how about this? Some of the stuff in this movie is tolerable, like the decisions made to go with this movie... well, most of the decisions. This movie tried to be engaging, but in most areas it felt flat. Some of the characters were likeable, while others were total morons.
Entertainment-wise, some of the songs were almost forgettable. The only song that seemed entertaining was the "Jolly Joe's" song, because it was so upbeat and engaging- too bad that song only lasted for 1-2 minutes.
Plus, there were some things that were never explained. There's still the fact that Princess Eloise could hold her own when it comes to being alone with her butler. There's still the fact that the Helpseeker can come, go and blink whenever it pleases. There's the fact that the heroes were up against a one-dimensional villain that's really a lowlife pear with a mechanical body. There's the fact that the King himself knew about the heroes before they even started their adventure, which doesn't explain to us enough.
And another thing: it's not worth the constant emphasizing of things that the audience is already aware of. It's like treating the audience like little kids, and that's not right. Not to mention, the moral seemed tagged on...
But I'll give the movie this: the movie had great effects: the shadows, the lighting, the colors... they were awesome. Plus, the movie was funny in a way (besides the title being kinda ironic because these pirates do something rather than not do anything); I mean, I didn't show you half of some of the hilarious stuff that was in this movie. But what really could've saved this movie, as a family film, was if the story was more edgy, and it just have a simple moral that kids can understand. But for what it is, of all the feature films that Big Idea has done so far, this one was the least bad. Plus, the voice acting was impressive; I'll give them that.
I just wish that LarryBoy would have a feature film of his own someday. I mean, there has been so many opportunities, and Big Idea doesn't take advantage of it!
By the way, note to self: review The League of Incredible Vegetables some time soon.

Amateur Critic
Sources:
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie
Mario Party 7 (that one pic)

All rights go to Big Idea Entertainment, and Nintendo (for that one pic).