"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie" Movie Review

Hi, I'm the Amateur Critic. I review just about anything.

As I said before, the Veggietales movie Jonah is so overrated in the Veggietales world, because one, it stole LarryBoy's opportunity for a feature-length film; and two, it's the biblical story of Jonah! Well... except for the talking caterpillar, the dumbass humor, and the whale's belly turning into a concert stadium...
Now, as time in by, Big Idea has came up with great DVDs, but also mediocre material. It's like sometimes they left their brains at a convention, but then found them at the lost-and-found section of the convention. Then one day, the company decided to do another feature-length film. Gee, I wonder what their next movie will be about. I mean, sure. Their first movie was awkward, but people make mistakes, right?
In January 2008, Big Idea gave us another movie. And you won't believe what this movie is about. Now stop me if this sounds ridiculous: pirates who don't do anything...
[STOP]
Well, it's based on the group of the same name in the Veggietales show. But that makes no difference. It's this movie... under the same name: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie.

This movie is like a Pirates of the Caribbean knock-off with a side order of forced comedy. If you were to watch Veggietales and Pirates of the Caribbean at the same time in the same room for an hour, then this is what you'll see. At times, the movie can be promising; but then at other times, you'd swear the monsters and some of the crooks in this story would make much better characters (in fact, some of the monsters do). Plus, at times you'd think this movie would be serious; but at other times, it doesn't seem like a legit pirate movie... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Or perhaps the movie would start on a cutesy note, and it would be Larry the Cucumber that would make us smile for the first few minutes. So, let's see how this movie starts...

Opening Scene:
Pirates are invading a royal ship with a prince named Alexander fighting back alongside his army men...

-(pause) I... I guess this is The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything... I mean, seriously. We're starting off this movie with a fight scene? What will the kids think about all this?
Example:
Kid: Mom, why are they fighting?
Mom: Well, because the good guys are trying to get rid of the bad guys.
Kid: But the bad guys are scary!
Mom: I know, son, which is why the good guys are there to fight back.
Kid: Mommy, I don't think I want to see them fighting...
Mom: Okay, okay. I'll fast-forward it to when they show Larry the Cucumber...
Anyway, both teams are duking it out, until Alexander gets captured by the pirates. And who, may you ask, is leading the pirates? Well, it turns out that the pirate captain his Alexander's evil uncle Robert the Terrible, played by Cam Clarke...
-Cam Clarke? Who's he?
(researching)
Okay, he was Leonardo from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series, Liquid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid video game series, and Prince Adam and He-Man from the 2002 version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe TV series. (How does a turtle-based hero a manly superhero turn into an evil pirate? Plus, just like he plays two roles in the He-Man series, he plays two roles in this movie, but I'm not giving away what his other role is yet...)

Anyway, Robert discusses his evil plans to his nephew: kidnapping both him and his sister Eloise. The other pirates search for the princess, but they fail to find her.
So, as the pirates take off with Alexander, below deck, Eloise and her butler Willory (played by Archibald Asparagus from Veggietales show) come out of hiding; and immediately, Eloise wants to fight back by using a sword that she pulled out from out of nowhere, but Willory advises against it...
-Okay, that sword looks very real. What the hell happened to wooden swords? Is this movie trying to be more serious than what it should be?
-Plus, this raises a feminist thing: if a man stops a woman from doing something that could either solve a problem or risk her life in some way, chances are this guy is a total douche bag. Why? 'Cuz it's like saying that even a girly butler has more credibility to do heroic things than a woman does...
Anyway, Eloise finds an alternative by... pulling another random thing from out of a box this time and calling it a "Helpseeker." This device, created by her father, the king of a place called Monterria, is supposed to find a group of heroes that can help Eloise get her brother back from her evil uncle.

-Oh, look. It's a medieval version of Craigslist. I could just see the ad for this device:
A Group of Heroes (Any)
Now Hiring
The royal family of Monterria are searching for heroes to rescue a prince and protect the royal family. The job is urgent at this point.
Compensation: No pay, except when either injured on the job or the inevitable happens.
Perks: May be treated like a god. The welcome wagon is also included.
No need to send in a resume, because again, this job is urgent.
You may apply in person... seriously. This job is urgent.
Eloise activates the Helpseeker, and the device literally comes to life and "searches" for these... "heroes." Yeah, the device sneaks past pirates and jumps into the ocean.

After Opening Title Sequence:

After the rushed opening title sequence... which was really rushed because they don't give you time to reach each of the credits... we see that our main characters George (played by Pa Grape), Sedgewick (played by Mr. Lunt), and Elliot (played by Larry the Cucumber) work at a pirate-themed restaurant.

We then learn the problems of each of the guys: Elliot has this "list" of fears that he has problems with, which turns off his girlfriend; Sedgewick is too damn lazy to do things for his girlfriend; and then George is struggling to impress his family, including his own kids, because they think the restaurant actor Sir Fredrick is much more cooler than him...

Restaurant Scene 2:
It's after hours, and the trio are cleaning up. They then talk about how they don't seem heroic to their women and kids, and how their jobs are part of the problem.
Just then, guess what this movie tosses our way: an old blind guy prophesizing to them how an adventure awaits them and that "the stage is set for the heroes at hand."

After that brief cameo from this personality-deprived old man with the power to prophesize (I guess), Elliot misinterprets the old man's message by saying that it means that they should audition for the restaurant's show.

Restaurant Scene 3:
The trio agrees to audition. But come audition time, the guys screw up on their roles and lines; and their rushed slap-stick antics result in destroying half the theater and the guys getting fired.

Outside the Restaurant:
The trio gets thrown out into the alley literally like trash. Before the guys can sulk in their new troubles, they then come across the Helpseeker.

-Hi, how did that device get to the present? Does it come with a time-travel feature?
Elliot tries the device out by presenting a button, which summons a boat from up in the sky.
-Pretty farfetched. But, as you know, this is a kids' movie, right?
The guys jump into the boat, and the boat time-travels them to the 17th century, where Eloise and Willory are waiting for them on their royal ship.

On Royal Ship:

So, the trio is introduced to Eloise and Willory.

Eloise gives them the welcome wagon...
-...just as advertised in their medieval version of Craigslist...
...while Willory is less impressed. In fact, he brings Eloise aside to tell her about the strange pirates.
On the other hand, our so-called heroes huddle up to talk about how they're being mistaken as heroes, but they decide to use this opportunity to be treated like "heroes," instead of feeling like losers.

-Starting to see the highlight of this movie now?

Royal Ship Scene 2:

So the gang sets sail for a while, and Eloise tells them about the sword that her uncle had apparently left behind earlier when he was kidnapping her brother. She wants to know where the sword comes from, and our band of pirates agree to help her. But still, Willory doesn't seem to like these heroes.
-Oh, come on Archibald Asparagus. You're just jealous that Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt, and Larry the Cucumber stole your chance of making Jonah 2.
But then they run into a group of pirates run by their fearless leader One-Eyed Louie.
-This makes this pirate seem very clichéd, because all that time he has one eye closed. That's really trying too hard, guy.
Well, the pirates get defeated by the inevitable: Sedgewick unknowingly sets off a canon, which does some damage to the pirate ship. This quickly impresses the princess, which gives Willory the "told you so" card towards our heroes.

Jolly Joe's:
The gang makes it to a pirate hang-out simply known as Jolly Joe's. The princess tags along, while trying to stay hidden in her cloak.
-Girl, you're just asking to be discovered and kidnapped. Just wait until a few scenes later... Yeah! I dare you to remember this scene!
As the group enters the place, we come across a musical number that just popped out of nowhere.
-And honestly, I kinda like this musical number. It's lively; it's got rhythm... Just hearing the song alone on the soundtrack, it's pretty good. But when you hear the song in the movie, it makes it seem so riveting.
Anyway, the group learns from Jolly Joe himself that the sword belongs to Robert the Terrible, and that the evil pirate plots to kidnap the prince and princess of Monterria in hopes of getting the king, Robert's brother, to give him the throne and crown.
-Is this starting to become a The Lion King knock-off as well? I mean, with the evil uncle and his evil plotting of stealing a kingdom by killing people? I mean, Robert the Terrible has a British accent just like Scar from The Lion King. Doesn't any of that ring a bell?
The gang also learns that in order to get to Robert's fortress, they'll have to consult the clues that are in a place called the Rocks of Malabar.

Royal Ship Scene 3:
George, Elliot, and Sedgewick think over what's been going on, and they question what they should do in order to get home. They finally decide to take the hero thing a step further by acting like heroes, but doing absolutely nothing at the same time.
-Okay. Do you know what this is? This is a Veggietales version of a lecture or the most boring session that you've ever been to, because all this is, is the characters talking about things, expressing their feelings, and analyzing them. All that is okay, but to some extent. Why can't there be more showing than telling?

Royal Ship Scene 4:

The next day, the guys make good on their promise by not doing anything productive... while playing games, napping, and being in a montage with a song by Newsboys.

-I gotta say that this song in particular wasn't as riveting as the Jolly Joe's song. I'd rather hear the Jolly Joe's song again, instead of this boring song about the pirates not doing anything, but then one of them does something near the end of the song. Look, I know that the movie is entitled The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, but do we really need to sing a song emphasizing that? I mean, we already have a song that says exactly that! Just refer to the Silly Song Countdown, if you don't know!
So, during the montage, George decides to pull his own weight on the ship by helping Eloise clean up and tend to the ship.

Royal Ship Scene 5:
Later, the gang comes across the biggest whirl pool ever to mankind.
-Gee, that kinda looks like the whirl pool from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End... except this one here is not so threatening...
-So this must be where the non-BS riveting pirate adventure happens? So, when do we get started?
But it turns out that the storm was nothing but a sea mirage, of which George points out from his knowledge of Weather Channel.

-Just curious: how many references to pop culture are there in this movie?
At least 5.
And that's not including the movie that this movie is spoofing!

Meanwhile...:

While our heroes row their boat to an island, Eloise and Willory stay behind... which proves to be a bad idea, because two of Robert's spies find them there.

Cave Scene:
So our heroes end up finding the clues, which is no more than a billboard posted on the cave wall.
-How dramatically convenient for a villain. You'd think that a bad guy like him wouldn't be that subtle.
Then our heroes come across some gold... cheese curls (the way Sedgewick describes them). Then Sedgewick turns on his friends, refusing to go any further on their adventure because he doesn't think that they're real heroes at all.

So George and Elliot leave, while Sedgewick gets attacked by the...
-Wait. Are those live Cheetos? What are they? Explain, movie!

Outside the Cave:
George and Elliot see that the royal ship has been taken over and the princess being kidnapped.
-See, princess. I told you were asking to get discovered and kidnapped back at Jolly Joe's when you were in that cloak of yours! I told you so!
To make matters worse, the Helpseeker blinks indicating that it's time to go home already. But George still wants to pursue the princess, saying that if he goes back home, then he'll a much bigger loser to his wife and kids than he is now. Elliot decides to continue the journey with George, and they take off on the bad guys' boat, because apparently the bad guys took theirs while they were still in the cave.
-Oh, by the way, how's Sedgewick fairing out?

Still In the Cave:
Sedgewick is being chased by the possessed Cheetos. He's about ready to throw in the towel, but then a crab shows him a way out. All Sedgewick has to do is climb up a bunch of rocks to get to the exit.
Then we another cliché as Sedgwick climbs up the rocks, we hear this pop-rock disco-like music that emphasizes how successful and brave he is...
-Seriously?
Eventually, Sedgewick makes it out alive and jumps into the water.
-Wait. That's it? He climbs up some rocks, only to drop himself into the ocean? Are you kidding me?

Fortress Scene:
We see that Alexander is still in captivity as he hears his uncle tell him more of his sinister plan, and why he dislikes his brother, King Mufasa... I mean, the "good and generous" King (who has no name in this movie).

-Listen, Mr. Cam Clarke. I know you're in a movie called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, but if you're trying to do a Tim Curry performance, it's not working. However, if you still want to act and sound like Tim Curry, might I suggest imitating his roles in these movies?:
The Pebble and the Penguin
or
Barbie in The Nutcracker
So, Robert reveals to Alexander that he caught his sister Eloise, and says that they have two hours to tell him where their father is or die. He sets up an hourglass to emphasize this...
-Geez! How many times does this movie have to emphasize things? The audience isn't that stupid!
-Another thing: now I know who stole Jafar's hourglass from Aladdin.
-Plus, it's not like Veggietales to mention death. I mean, in all their movies and videos, death is one of their big no-nos. But to see the bad guy threaten to kill people, I was shocked. I couldn't believe I was watching that. This is a Veggietales movie?
Even though Robert makes that kind of threat to the children, neither Alexander nor Eloise bat an eye on their despair, except frown about it.
-I mean, aren't they scared of death? If that's the case... do these people get kidnapped by Robert on a daily basis? If so, then this would be like a Veggietales version of Mario Bros., where the guys have to save Princess Peach from the evil Bowser in every single game... every single day. Well, that's what it's looking like, because again, the prince and princess don't show any more emotion other than frowning!

On Another Island:
Anyway, back to the story...
Elliot and George arrive at the isle, only to be surrounded by... rock monsters resembling a father with three kids.
-Wow, I guess the mother didn't want to show her face on camera...
Just then, Sedgewick arrives, having swum all the way over here from that other island...
-...which is impossible, unless you're a swimming enthusiast raising money for charity...
And it turns out that the cheese curls are still following Sedgewick, and they still chase him.
-Wow. How possessed can those creepy bastards get?
This chase amuses the rock monster kids, and then the monsters play with the cheese curls.
But there's no time for playing because our heroes finally see Robert's fortress.

Since the entrance to the fortress is closing, the heroes see that they'll never make it in time; but the rock monster dad gives them a hand by... doing a cannonball in the ocean, sending him racing through the entrance before it can close.
-Okay, okay. Wait a minute. Since when did this movie become a sports competition? I could just see myself judging the different kinds of sports that this movie exhibits?
Fencing: 5.0
Cannonball Shooting: 9.5
Running (from something, like the possessed cheese curls): 7.5
Long-Mile Swimming (swimming from the killer cheese curls): 9.5
Diving (with Cannonball technique performed by Rock Monster): perfect score of 10

Outside Fortress:
Our heroes sail quietly across the ocean towards Robert's fortress. But then they come across the world's most obvious mechanical sea serpent. This is where Elliot finally forgets his "list" of fears and steps up to save the day.
-About friggin' time he stops talking about the "list." He just wouldn't shut up about it throughout the movie until now!
But the serpent eats him, and now it's only George and Sedgewick. But the monster shuts off, and Elliot cuts his way out of the monster to reveal that the whole thing was only machinery.
-Another use of the turning-off-a-light-switch logic...

Fortress Scene 2:

Our heroes make it into the fortress, while the camera lingers on the hourglass a few times, jumping back and forth from the heroes to the hourglass, and so forth.
-Stop lingering on me, camera. Everyone knows that time is passing. I'm a friggin' hourglass!

Fortress Scene 3:
Our heroes finally make it to the dungeons where Eloise, Alexander, and Willory are being imprisoned. They figure out that the only way to get the key from the jailer... is to use a RadioShack knock-off of a remote-controlled toy car.
The plan works, and the heroes free the prisoners from their cell.
-Now, before we go even farther, guess which one blows their cover for everyone.
(Hint: Who slams the cell door, waking up the jailer?)
Answer: Willory.
Wow. What a douche! I wonder what the heroes are thinking right now:
Geez, Willory! You had to make noise, didn't you? Gosh, why did we have to bring you along? You are just a friggin' tease!

Escape Scene:
Our heroes run into Uncle Scar... uh, I mean... Robert the Terrible, on his best clichéd behavior. So this must be where our band of misfits grow some balls and fight this evil baddie...
...or...
-Wait. They drop their swords after taking one look at the pirate? What the hell?!
Then George admits a sad secret to Robert and the royal children...
-...I can't wait to start filming Abe and the Amazing Promise...
No, no. George admits that he and his two pals aren't really heroes, but only cabin boys from their restaurant. But then George gets an idea so crazy that he thinks that this would give him and the other guys free passes to redemption: he throws the chandelier at Robert, knocking him out, and... he's a pear with a mechanical body?
-We've waited an hour to see the villain for what he is... and this is what he really is?

Escape Scene, continued:
Our heroes manage to escape through the fortress's cistern, but the bad guys are still onto them, as Robert sails towards them and starts shooting at them with cannonballs.
-Is it me, or is this scene spoofing the minigame "Balloonatic" from Mario Party 7, except without balloons and it wasn't really a game but a matter of life and death?

Oh, I almost forgot: another shooting event in this unexpected sports competition in a movie...
Before Robert can blast our heroes to kingdom come, another ship breaks into Robert's hide-out.

It turns out that it's not Mufasa that's arrived to put his brother in his place, but the King of Monterria himself. The royal ship destroys the pirate ship. As the pirate ship sinks, Robert swears further revenge.
-I betcha as soon as he's underwater, he'd be like: Don't think Hollywood doesn't do sequels! This BS must end today... or they'll keep making more Pirates of the Caribbean movies!

Ceremony:
The King rewards George, Elliot, and Sedgewick for their bravery and honor.

-In answer to who Cam Clarke's other role in this movie is: he's both Robert the Terrible and the King himself. That's really strange playing both the bad guy and the good guy.
The King then explains the moral of the story: a true hero is not always the stereotypical type that most people think of (tall, strong, handsome, etc.), but mainly he or she who does the right thing no matter how hard the situation is.
-Yeah, that's the moral that we've been waiting for for more than an hour. But... I'm not sure if most kids would understand that moral.
-Plus, how the heck did he know about the three heroes' problems? Well... he did make the Helpseeker, but that still doesn't explain how he was able to find the heroes and his kids that one scene...
Anyway, the King let's the heroes go home, not paying attention to the robotic hand that seeks onto their rowboat as they go back to the present.
Oh, and take a listen to this:
Willory: "I liked them from the very beginning!"
-Blow me.

Back to the Present:
Our heroes return to the restaurant, only to find that Robert the Terrible had followed them home and has started attacking the cast and crew at the theater show. George, Elliot, and Sedgewick jump into action, as they put their scripted pirate roles into good use -the scripts that they should've used during their audition- and they end up sending Robert back to his own time to face his crimes.
The audience in the theater cheers our heroes, including their girlfriends and George's kids who finally respect their dad.
-About time those brats appreciate their own dad. You selfish bastards treated him so lowly at the beginning...
Their manager wants to make them regulars in the pirate show, but George tells him that that won't be necessary...
-...in other words, that was a verbal alternative to giving the middle finger to the person that fired him.
Just then, the Helpseeker returns to them, blinking again...
-...Does this suggest a sequel?
(ending cuts to black, and then the credits roll)
...Oh, I guess we'll never know...

Music Video:

After the cast is credited, we cut to Sedgewick and the other guys singing a parody of "Rock Lobster" in their song called... "Rock Monster."
-You can't help but laugh at this song. Why? Because this music was written and choreographed by monkeys.

Well, guys... (pause) Where do I begin with this?
Well, how about this? Some of the stuff in this movie is tolerable, like the decisions made to go with this movie... well, most of the decisions. This movie tried to be engaging, but in most areas it felt flat. Some of the characters were likeable, while others were total morons.
Entertainment-wise, some of the songs were almost forgettable. The only song that seemed entertaining was the "Jolly Joe's" song, because it was so upbeat and engaging- too bad that song only lasted for 1-2 minutes.
Plus, there were some things that were never explained. There's still the fact that Princess Eloise could hold her own when it comes to being alone with her butler. There's still the fact that the Helpseeker can come, go and blink whenever it pleases. There's the fact that the heroes were up against a one-dimensional villain that's really a lowlife pear with a mechanical body. There's the fact that the King himself knew about the heroes before they even started their adventure, which doesn't explain to us enough.
And another thing: it's not worth the constant emphasizing of things that the audience is already aware of. It's like treating the audience like little kids, and that's not right. Not to mention, the moral seemed tagged on...
But I'll give the movie this: the movie had great effects: the shadows, the lighting, the colors... they were awesome. Plus, the movie was funny in a way (besides the title being kinda ironic because these pirates do something rather than not do anything); I mean, I didn't show you half of some of the hilarious stuff that was in this movie. But what really could've saved this movie, as a family film, was if the story was more edgy, and it just have a simple moral that kids can understand. But for what it is, of all the feature films that Big Idea has done so far, this one was the least bad. Plus, the voice acting was impressive; I'll give them that.
I just wish that LarryBoy would have a feature film of his own someday. I mean, there has been so many opportunities, and Big Idea doesn't take advantage of it!
By the way, note to self: review The League of Incredible Vegetables some time soon.

Amateur Critic
Sources:
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie
Mario Party 7 (that one pic)

All rights go to Big Idea Entertainment, and Nintendo (for that one pic).