Hi, I'm the Amateur Critic. I review just about anything.
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I believe that I've come this far in this blog. In fact, I have to break another one of my promises that I've made during my early posts. I'm sorry... the temptation was hard to resist this time.
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I promised myself that I wouldn't review a certain movie that I felt was overrated... the movie that stole LarryBoy's chance to show off his superhero-ness in a feature-length film... Okay. I won't delay this any longer. This is
Jonah: A Veggietales Movie.
I find it hard to take this movie seriously. One, this is supposed to be a Biblical adaptation. Two, some of the movie is just weird... unbelievably weird. And above all, it tries to retell the Biblical story that it's based on by updating it into almost modern-times, but some of it becomes a Biblical train-wreck, while the other stuff survives as far as adaptations go.
It's weird. It's tries too hard... This is gonna keep me up all night. So let's dive into
Jonah: A Veggietales Movie.
But before we move forward, let's first start with a back story...
The Book of Jonah is one of the shortest books in the Bible. It tells the story of how a prophet decided to disobey God, so that he wouldn't go to a place that he didn't like, which was Nineveh. What Jonah does in the story is that he tries running away from God by boarding a ship that's going a different direction other than Nineveh. But God created a storm to burden the ship with.
The sailors and Jonah grew terrified by the wind and rain. So Jonah takes the time to tell the sailors who he is, and how he was running away from God. Then the prophet tells the sailors to throw him into the sea so that God would stop the storm. The sailors weren't sure about this at first, but as the storm raged on, they had no choice but to do as Jonah told them to do. After that, the storm calms down, amazing the sailors that weren't close to God to begin with but are now.
Next, God sends a large fish to swallow Jonah. In the fish, Jonah spent three days and three nights as punishment for running away from God. During his time in the fish's belly, Jonah prayed to God for forgiveness on his disobedience. So after three days and three nights, the fish spits out Jonah on a beach; and then from there, Jonah goes to Nineveh, as God told him to do.
When he gets to Nineveh, Jonah proclaims God's message, saying that God would destroy the city in forty days if the people didn't repent. The people of Nineveh believed him and they started to become better people. Even the king of Nineveh heard the message and decided to repent too. Everyone had to wear sackcloth to show that they repented. The king then makes a proclamation that everyone repents, and they worship God so that they could get redemption from their sins. God saw this and changed His mind on destroying them, but sparing them.
Jonah sat outside Nineveh hoping that God would destroy the city, but nothing happened. He became very unhappy by this, so he made himself a shelter. God made a plant grow so that Jonah could have some shade. Jonah was grateful for this and liked the shade. But then the next day, the plant dies. Jonah is upset by this. But God tells him that he liked the plant, yet he didn't do anything to care for this. Plus, God points out that He showed mercy on Nineveh, especially since it had more than 120,000 innocent kids in it, as well as so many animals.
Now the story just ends there. Many have no idea what happens to Jonah. Did he die waiting for Nineveh to get destroyed? Did he go insane at all? What? What? Most of us don't know.
However, we can all see that the moral of this story... or
morals of the story... are to obey God's commands, and that second chances exist in this world.
This movie... comes pretty close. But then again, this movie may possibly be a Biblical train-wreck, due to some of its writing and humor... and what else? The clichés that happen to show up in every Veggietales adaptation. And heck, it even tries to be forcibly whimsical at every single opportunity it has... Whoa. I don't want to give my full consensus yet. So let's get started!
Opening Scene:
The movie begins with a road trip to a concert to see a singer named Twippo.
-Twippo? Well... I don't wanna know...
So far, the road trip is great, with the gang singing classic road trip songs with Dad Asparagus on guitar; and Bob the Tomato struggling to drive with Mr. Asparagus' guitar in the way, and trying to read the directions on the map.
-Don't they have a GPS?
While that's going on, Laura Carrot is sitting with her friends, bragging to everyone about her backstage pass to see Twippo.
To make matters worse, Bob is mad that nobody's helping him with the directions.
Then we have our first subplot: things heat up as Laura brags some more, causing:
1. Everyone to get annoyed
2. Laura to lose her ticket
3. Bob to lose control of the van
The van drives out of control, causing the gang to run into
horrible,
disastrous obstacles like: a group of porcupines crossing the road, a tree, a cabin in the woods, and (gasp) a clothesline holding some delectable pair of underwear. But the clothesline breaks, sending the roadsters crashing into a tree stump.
So after that... 100% car-crash-that-could've-been-avoided, the gang look over the damage, and then spot a seafood restaurant not far from where they crashed.
Gang: "Oooh..."
-Whoa, a restaurant! We've just been a horrific car crash... but a restaurant? I'm all ears on what this place is about... 'Cuz, it's, you know... a restaurant!
Restaurant Scene:
So the gang enter the restaurant, but they can't get over blaming each other on who actually started the car crash...
-My money is on Laura, because she was the one bragging...
Even Laura is upset that she lost her ticket, but her friend Junior Asparagus believes that she deserved that loss.
-Yeah, to be fair, if you brag about something around the clock and rub it in in people's faces, chances are, you really deserve to have your feelings hurt. Yeah, I gotta side with Junior here.
Then two French Peas (who are, I guess, the owners of the restaurant) greet the group, making them feel welcome with obnoxious songs and hospitality.
Somewhere in the Restaurant:
Laura and Junior still can't stand each other. So Junior sits by himself in a booth, only to stumble into what this movie can manage for comic relief: the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
And what are they serving up on this fine evening? Compassion at "Market Price" is their special on the menu.
Pa Grape: "We've seen situations like this before..."
-(mimicking Pa Grape)
We also go door-to-door selecting random kids that'll listen to us when we say that we want to help them. We're the comic relief guys!
Junior asks about the "compassion" that's on the menu. This leads into our main story of Jonah...
Main Story:
Nope! The pirates are having some root beer first, and then asking for a job next.
-Okay, where do pirates fit into the ancient Israel legend, exactly?
Anyways, the story takes place in ancient Israel, where people sell fish...
-Starting to see the highlight of the movie?
-And how long are we in this movie?
13 minutes and 40 seconds
Wow. we've spent nearly a quarter of an hour showing us a car crash scene and obnoxious acting... Whoop-de-doo.
(Sigh) We're then finally introduced to our main character Jonah (played by Archibald Asparagus), who's apparently a real-life celebrity in his Israel hometown, seeing that he announces messages from the Lord and rides a fancy camel that wears a monocle.
-What's next? Is he gonna sing to the people?
(Jonah sings)
GRRR!
-And look at the mailman trying to make his delivery rounds through this whole musical number! I'm telling you, it's chaos!!
-Oh, by the way, obvious cliché in 3... 2... 1...
Jonah (sings): "Don't do drugs. Stay in school..."
-Okay, where do drugs and school fit into the Israel legend?
-Geez! How long is this movie?
1 hour and 23 minutes
And how far are we now?!
17 minutes and 34 seconds.
GRRR!!
That Night:
Jonah prays to God about what message to deliver next.
God wants him to go to Nineveh to warn the people that if they didn't repent from sin, then the city would be destroyed.
-Is it weird to say that during this scene, all I'm thinking about is why this movie gave Jonah a turban. Whenever I see turbans used in this movie, I immediately think of
Aladdin. Wow, a Biblical adaptation ripping off a Disney classic?
This message hits Jonah close to home... so close that he breaks into song(?)
-Great! Another song! As if the movie
Les Miserable wasn't enough of a musical romp anyway!
Next, he walks all over a map...? What's this? Is this all in his head? What's next? Is he gonna tap-dance all over the map? Explain, movie!
After that song, Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh.
-(mimicking Jonah)
I have to lay off the Vycodin.
Back at the Restaurant:
As the Pirates continue the story, Bob and Laura join the audience. The Pirates then show how mercy (being sold at market price on the menu) comes with compassion.
The Story Continues...:
-Now, I'm pretty sure, at this point, Jonah will get his act together and deliver God's message to the people of Nineveh...
NOPE! He plays runaway fugitive.
Jonah decides to go to a random place on the map called Tarshish.
-Did he play Spin-the-Bottle in order to come to his decision?
Pirate Ship:
So Jonah meets our pirate trio; but the pirates try to bullshit their way out of taking Jonah anywhere. But Jonah says the magic words: "Money is no object," and the pirates swing into action.
-I guess it pays to have money?
Then it turns out that the pirates really suck at their job, because of their reckless driving and doing nothing productive but play classic games like golf and Ping-Pong...
-Like I care...
Below Deck:
Anyway, Jonah goes below deck to rest for a while, but guess what else this movie tosses our way... a talking caterpillar named Khalil- who sells Jonah merchandise and spends most of his time listening to motivational tapes.
-Now tell me if this is another reference to
Aladdin... it is.
Khalil tries to have a conversation with Jonah, but the prophet is still worried about disobeying God and wants to sleep it off.
Dream Sequence:
Jonah is running away from God, but he ends up drowning.
Jonah: "I can't hear you. La, la, la, la, la, la..."
-What, are you five?
Storm Scene:
Jonah is woken up by a storm that's hitting the ship. Pa Grape starts to suspect that someone is causing this storm. So, what do the pirates and Jonah do to find out who's the culprit? Play a game of goldfish.
-Guys, this isn't the show
Whodunnit. Just blame this storm on Jonah and throw him off the boat!
After that "epic" game of goldfish, it turns out that Jonah is to blame for the storm.
-Now, what do you think Jonah is thinking right?
A. Somebody fucked with the cards?
B. I really picked a bad day to wear this turban.
C. Uh... can we play for best out of 3?
(My money's on Choice A.)
Jonah finally confesses to his crime against God and wants the pirates to throw him into the sea.
But our comic relief pirates want to use a motor that would take him back home; but the motor goes haywire and lands into the ocean.
So the pirates have no choice but to Jonah walk the plank.
-Yeah, send him into the water wearing a bath hat and a duck float... What a way to send him off with dignity.
So, just like in the original story, the storm dies down as Jonah hits the water. But something big is lurking in the water, so the pirates scramble to save Jonah.
-Look at this! It's ripping off
Jaws! (Ha ha.)
Only Larry makes a perfect shot with a lifesaver ring (which is bullshit, because this is like the Ring Toss games at carnivals), but that isn't enough to stop a huge whale from coming to dinner and dragging the ship with him momentarily.
The pirates try attacking the monster with everything they got (literally), but to no avail.
Just a recap: Jonah is a runaway pansy; and
Whodunnit logic lands him inside a whale.
-How far are we in this movie now?
45 minutes and 12 seconds (
no commercials)
Geez!
Inside the Whale:
Jonah finds himself inside the whale.
-And I gotta say that the visuals of what the insides of a whale looks like are pretty good and thought-out, for the most part.
Khalil finds Jonah his "travelling buddy," but Jonah is too depressed to be in a good mood.
-In this scene, it's obvious that Jonah can't stand being in the same room with Khalil. Yeah, I'd feel the same way too, because we already have enough comic relief characters in this film-
we don't need any more!
Jonah expresses his depression so vividly... that he sounds like he's a nervous breakdown.
-Please, don't. You've already attempted conveying emotions a gazillion times in this movie. It's just not working this time. Look, I really want to sympathize with Jonah, but his killjoy attitude is keeping me from doing so.
Sorry.
Just then, a group of angels appear to him, saying that God will give him a second chance if he prays for forgiveness.
This leads to yet another song...
-The song is pretty cool, actually... but half of the visuals in this musical number were just awkward.
The Story Continues...:
The whale eventually spits out Jonah and Khalil, and they begin their journey to Nineveh with the camel Reginald...
-Hi, how did the camel find them?
-By the way, Jonah is now pale?
Okay, who forgot to tell the animators that he was green? Well, he was in the whale for quite some time, but he's outside and it's
daytime! Color mistakes were one thing the movie
The Thief and the Cobbler did.
Jonah presses on, ignoring ironic welcome signs telling him to turn back, and a yelling person saying, "Turn back! Turn back!"
-(mimicking the yelling person)
Turn back while you still can! There's more awkwardness to come!!!
Arriving at Nineveh:
Jonah finally makes it to Nineveh... which looks like an eyesore worthy of Bowser.
-That camel is going slow...
Jonah: "Go in. Give the message. Get out. Go in. Give the message. Get out.:
-Heh, heh. Way to motivate yourself, Jonah... I mean, this prophet
so doesn't care that he would rather speed-read his message and then scurry out faster than he came in.
But the guards of Nineveh give him a hard time at the entrance, so Jonah just thinks
Game Over and leaves... but not without running into the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything... who can't believe that he's alive after the encounter with the whale. The pirates decide to help Jonah get into the city by having them follow them to their sweepstakes prize, because they say that found a golden ticket, which wins them a tour in a factory...
-Starting to see that this is ripping off
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
But the gang gets arrested for what crime, you may ask? For stealing free samples!
-(sarcasm) That's a crime worthy of a slap in the face!
And they get slapped with fish to the face.
Arena Scene:
So the gang gets captured, and what is their punishment for their crime?
The Slap of No Return!
-As if slapping your kids when they do something bad isn't enough?
-So... the moral of the story is
Don't mess with anyone or get slapped(?)
But before the king of Nineveh has the guards proceed with the punishment...
Jonah: "...I was in the belly of a whale!"
...which actually halts the proceedings.
-So Jonah, how many
more magic words do you have up your sleeve? 10? 20? 100? 'Cuz first it was the "Money is no object" line that got you a ride to wherever it was you were running away from God to, and now it's the "...I was in the belly of a whale" line that's got the people of Nineveh interested in what you have to say.
But what proof does Jonah have to show that he was inside a whale?
-Probably the seaweed that's on his stupid turban... I'd say that's a dead giveaway.
NOPE! One of the guards goes up to Jonah, sniffs his face, and faints from the fishy odor.
-(pause) WTF?! That's your proof?! Are you high? I guess this part of the scene was scotch-taped onto the screenplay just to get a bit of a laugh... FAIL!!!
King Twisty: "He has been in the great fish! We must hear his message!"
-(pause) How did you know Jonah had a message from the Lord? Did you cheat by looking at the movie's screenplay prior to filming?
Jonah: "...The message... What was the message?"
-IDK. The fact that some of this movie blows, seeing a guard sniff your face to see if you were telling the truth about being in a whale for so long?
-Plus, all this time of running away from God... getting a doozy from a whale... and getting arrested in Nineveh...
and you forget the message that God wanted you to deliver?! This must be a slow week for Jonah...
-Lastly, I have to point this out: this scene is highly disrespectful to the original story, because in the original, Jonah didn't get arrested, but only got recognized by his prophet occupation. The arrest/execution scene was just extra, for the sake of having more subplots and more storyline... and that's also an excuse to dump in more characters not needed... and we're in the third act!!
Thus, Jonah delivers his message from the Lord.
-And... I gotta admit: he hit this speech right on the nail. He gets to the point and doesn't bullshit to his audience, not even once! Trust me; if the rest of the speeches and dialogues were this sincere and perfect like this one, I wouldn't be doing this review.
So the city chooses to repent, and King Twisty lets Jonah and his friends go. As Jonah leaves the city, people praise him for his message. However, Jonah isn't cheerful as everyone else.
Outside Nineveh:
Just like in the original story...
Jonah sits and waits for Nineveh's demise. A plant grows and then dies on Jonah when he takes shelter under it. And Jonah is frustrated.
Khalil tries to reason with him, but Jonah isn't in the mood...
-See what I mean with the killjoy attitude that Jonah has?! Lighten up!!
So the caterpillar and camel piss off, leaving Jonah by himself in his misery.
Final Restaurant Scene:
Pa Grape ends the story, but the audience question why the story of Jonah had to end that way.
Then out of nowhere, the singer Twippo (who's also Archibald Asparagus) shows up and offers the gang a ride to his concert. Laura still seems disappointed, because she lost her ticket.
-Well, good. Maybe she can learn her lesson that bragging isn't going to get her anywhere, OR...
Junior finally has the nerve to give Laura his own ticket as an act of compassion and mercy. Twippo sees this act and says that he'll have backstage passes for the whole gang.
-Uh... I guess compassion and mercy really are rewarding. (Hooray!)
Then we get our last musical number...
-A stage in the restaurant? Visuals? Props? Where did all of that come from?
-The song explains how Jonah didn't get how compassion and mercy worked, but his story is a chance for the audience to know what compassion and mercy are, and how to learn from Jonah's disobedience. (Fair enough.)
So the movie ends with Khalil making one last cameo...
-All this time Khalil was the tow truck guy that Bob was waiting for?
And that was
Jonah: A Veggietales Movie. I can see why people liked it and disliked it.
Let's start with the bad stuff first:
Some of the writing seemed out of place or not needed. Plus, whenever it tries to produce written humor, sometimes it works to the movie's advantage, but then at other times they just backfire.
Second, I almost wanted to see Archibald Asparagus casted as the main character. I found myself questioning this casting choice every once in a while, because I know that main characters have to be at least 2-dimensional in order to convey the right emotions that would appeal to the audience. There was no comic side of this Jonah; it's just drama all the way, that you find it hard to sympathize with this guy.
Third, the movie may have followed the majority of the original story of Jonah, but some of the movie added extra stuff to the mix, just because they wanted subplots in their movie. If you want to add subplots to an adaptation, fine. But make them count!
Fourth, the references to pop culture are so noticeable that they become distractions to the actual story.
Fifth, some of the song were forgettable, with only a few memorable like the "Second Chances" song.
And last, but definitely not least, there are so many awkward moments that were either tolerable or just backfired.
Now, for the good things about this movie:
The animation was really good; in fact, the colors were cool to look at. This was a major improvement in
Veggietales animation, which is a good sign.
Second, this was a risky adaptation, but most of it followed the original story, which was pretty impressive.
Overall, I felt indifferent about this movie. I know that the movie has its problems, but it was still enjoyable. I like watching this movie, but I don't think it's perfect.
And to be honest, I found out that I'm part of a majority with this indifference. In fact, this movie actually did better than its sequel. I was blown away to find out that all the critics couldn't come up with an exact consensus for this movie, because the majority of audiences liked it.
So, there's only speculation on what everyone as a whole thinks about it.
So people both liked and disliked, leading to indifference.
Oh yeah, and Happy New Year! (Just thought I point that out.)
Amateur Critic
Sources:
Jonah: A Veggietales Movie
Good New Bible, Good News Translation (GNT)
RottenTomatoes.com
All rights go to
Big Idea Entertainment and
American Bible Society.
