Before there was Cars 2 and Monsters University, which set off the decline in popularity in Pixar movies, there was Pixar's strangest of creations: Finding Nemo.
Watching this over and over as a kid, I'm really regreting. I mean, I used of love this crap fest of a movie when I was a kid?! WTF was I thinking?! I must have been insane! The biggest mistake ever, when it comes to movies!
I don't get it! What the hell do people see in this movie? It's got paranoia galore; it has clever performers hostage (so that the actors can dance for their dollar- fight for their next paycheck); and it has this awkwardness that will never go away. It's weird; it's vague...!!!
I don't get it! What the hell do people see in this movie? It's got paranoia galore; it has clever performers hostage (so that the actors can dance for their dollar- fight for their next paycheck); and it has this awkwardness that will never go away. It's weird; it's vague...!!!
Why do I hate this movie so much? Well, find out here in my 2nd Mystery Review (as promised). This is Finding Nemo.
Opening Scene:
So the movie starts with The Little Mermaid ocean backwash, as our main lead Marlin, played by Albert Brooks, is with his lovely wife named Coral, played by...
-Well, we're not sure who plays this chick, so we'll just assume that she's a goner.
The couple look over their eggs that contain their children. Coral wants to name one of their children Nemo, so Marlin agrees... but not without hitting on his wife so that he can get a sweet piece of fish ass.
But trouble arrives when they're stalked by a large scary fish.
Coral swims to her eggs to save them; Marlin tries to save her, but gets knocked unconscious by the scary fish.
When he comes to at nighttime, Marlin sees that both his wife and his eggs are gone.
But then he finds a cracked egg and is grateful for this, as he names it Nemo, in honor of his now-deceased wife.
-Obviously, this movie was trying to create another death that was similar to the death of Bambi's mom. (sarcasm) Wow. Very original.
After Opening Credits:
After the opening credits roll, we see Nemo, played by Alexander Gould. Nemo is trying to get his dad Marlin to take him to school.
Marlin: "I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes..."
Nemo: "Not you, Dad! Me!"
-(pause) Was that supposed to be funny?
So anyway, Marlin tells his son about how to be safe before leaving home...
Marlin: "...check to see if the coast is clear, and then you go out and back in... and then you go out and back in... One more time- out and back in..."
-That wasn't funny; that was annoying.
So finally (and I mean, FINALLY), Marlin and Nemo head to school, passing by swimming cameos. As soon as they arrive at the school...
-Well, I don't want to say "school" as much as sending-your-kids-to-wherever-with-a-whatever-kind-of-teacher school...
Nemo is introduced to his teacher and his classmates, and they instantly go off to school.
-(pause) That kind of acquaintance-with-the-teacher-and-students thing worked in Bubble Guppies(?)
So you think Marlin would have peace of mind, but no! He instantly gets paranoid that his kid is going towards open water with his school; and he instantly follows them in pursuit.
-You know, I'm not sure if I'm really needed for this review, because... (pause) Like I said in the beginning, it's weird and vague. We're in what, (at least) 10 minutes of this movie, and already I'm regretting every minute of it!
School:
While the teacher Mr. Ray...
-Yeah, because he's a sting ray... which begs the question: Would he be sued if he accidentally hurts the kids with his stinger? Unless, he's one of those harmless sting rays that you would pet at the local aquariums(?)
...teaches the lesson for the day, Nemo follows a group of kids that are looking at something strange in the distance.
One fish: "...It's called, uh... a butt!"
-(pause) What, the bottom of a boat?
Other fish: (mutters) "That's a really big butt."
-Okay, stop with the joke. It's not funny.
Seahorse: (taunting) "Oh, look at me! I'm gonna go touch the butt!"
-SHUT UP! I thought this was supposed to be a kids' movie, not a fetish film! That wasn't a legit joke; that was just dirty!
But before Nemo could impress his new friends, Marlin shows up and attempts to take him home, but without expressing his paranoia:
Marlin: "You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo!"
-(pause) Now, I want you to remember this scene, where Marlin says that line. Just keep that in mind. I promise you, that bit will bite this character's qualities in the ass later on in the movie.
So Nemo shows that he hates his father by swimming up to the boat and tapping against his father's orders...
One fish: (whispering) "He touched the butt!"
-(mimicking kid) Yeah! Let's use this joke one more time, although it wasn't funny at all! Ha ha ha!
However, Finding Nemo wouldn't be... Finding Nemo, if Nemo didn't get captured by a group of divers, and Marlin chasing after them to try and rescue his son.
So after all hell breaks loose, the boat takes off with Nemo, but not without one of the divers dropping their scuba mask into the water.
After failing to catch up with the bad guys, Marlin starts pleading with the public to help him find his son...
Marlin: "My son! Help me! Please!"
-(pause) Dude, take a chill pill.
But then... guess what this movie tosses our way: an Ellen DeGeneres cameo- no. Not a cameo, but a role.
So this is Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres. She tells Marlin that she wants to help him, but admits that she has short-term memory loss.
Dory: "It runs in my family. Or at least- I think it does... Um... Where are they?"
-(pause) What was up with that last part she said? Where are they? Are you serious? That was so random.
So just when you think things can't get anymore complicated than this...
(Marlin face-to-face with a shark)
-Nope. Nope. You killed it. You killed this movie. Once you put a shark into this so-called G-rated movie, it was broken beyond repair.
So apparently, we meet Bruce the shark, played by Barry Humphries...
-...who would one day play the Goblin King in The Hobbit. (quick trivia)
Shark scene:
So Bruce takes Marlin and Dory back to his hide-out, which is a sunken battle ship surrounded by floating bombs(?), and then we see two other sharks named Anchor and Chum.
-First of all, who names their kids Anchor and Chum? They sound like names you would give to male strippers.
-Second, of all three sharks in this movie, only one (Bruce) has a normal name.
Anyway, there's this weird segway where the sharks are having an AA-meeting-kind-of meeting where they pledged to not eat fish.
-(sarcasm) Yeah, because that's what kids are begging to see out of Pixar, is a group of sharks trying to get off an addiction...
After a couple of minutes of awkwardness, Marlin spots a mask that came from one of the divers that kidnapped his son. But when Dory tries to help out, she gets a nose bleed, which gets Bruce fired up...
-Isn't this like accidentally dumping a truck load of alcohol into a recovering-alcoholic's house?
-Plus, (I'm too scared to even post a pic of this on this blog) look at Bruce's reaction to the nosebleed. Did he get possessed before filming this shit?
Anyway, Bruce goes beserk and chases after our heroes...
-Here's a segment I'd like to call... Guess Which Part of The Little Mermaid That This Movie Is Stealing From...
(the chased-by-a-shark scene)
So after a couple of minutes of heart-pounding bullshit, the whole place blows up after Bruce mindlessly throws something at one of the floating bombs.
Dory: "Aww, is the party over?"
-I don't think that question was appropriate. I think the correct question is: Is the movie over?
Tank arrival scene:
We then cut to Nemo finding himself inside a fish tank inside a dentist's office. He then finds himself surrounded by... waste of talent.
-I mean, look at some of these! The puffer fish (Brad Garrett), the starfish (Allison Janney), the royal gramma (Austin Pendleton), the yellow tang (Stephen Root), the damselfish (Vicki Lewis), and the cleaner shrimp (the late Joe Ranft).
-Plus, let's do a checklist of cliched characters:
1. the easy-going big guy (Bloat)
2. the informant stereotype (Peach)
3. the paranoid germophobe (Gurgle)
4. the guy with a weird fetish (Bubbles)
5. the person with the imaginary friend (Deb/"Flo")
6. the little French stereotype (Jacques)
And then we get our next horrible disaster... We're finally introduced to the tank gang's leader Gill, voiced by...
-Oh God! Please don't tell me that they got the voice of the Green Goblin from Spiderman!!! Willem Dafoe?! Well, to be fair, maybe in this kids' movie, he wouldn't sound creepy or anything like that...
Gill: "You got yourself in there. You can get yourself out."
-You son of a bitch...
So Nemo proves himself worthy of Gill by getting himself out of a pipe, and he officially gets the welcome wagon from the other fish.
Back in the ocean:
We then cut back to Marlin and Dory barely escaping their shark encounter, until they lose the diver's mask by dropping it into a dark pit (or somewhere dark, at least). Marlin seems down by what has happened, but Dory tells him to...
Dory: (playfully) "Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills..."
-(giggling) Okay, that was one funny moment.
Dory: (singing) "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim..."
-(giggling) Okay, that was another funny moment, but don't expect any of the legit funny moments to last long in this movie, because they just start up and then die.
So the two have the courage to swim into the darkness, only to find a shiny light... which belongs to (gasp)...
...another scary demon of hell.
During the chaos, Dory is able to find the mask and read what's on the mask.
So after a bullshit move of getting the scary anglerfish stuck inside the mask, Dory realizes that she can memorize the address that was on the mask: P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.
-(as an insult) Tongue Twister Avenue(?)
-Plus, how convenient for a plot device.
That night in the Tank:
Another weird segway in 3...2...1...
Jacques: (to Nemo) "Follow me."
So we get this weird scene where the tank gang are initiating Nemo into their "brotherhood" by making him swim through a stream of bubbles without anything happen to him...
-Welcome back to the segment of Guess Which Part of The Little Mermaid That This Movie Is Stealing From...
(the surrounded-by-a-crazy-person-with-a-magical-whatever-in-front-of-them scene)
So with that... whatever-ness out of the way... Gill explains his plan on how they can escape the tank before the dentist's niece Darla (a.k.a. the ugliest kid ever in a Pixar movie) gets Nemo as a birthday present
(which is obviously a bad idea, because they reveal that she killed her last fish that she got last year for her birthday). So anyway, Gill says that one of them will swim into the tank's machinery to cut off the power, so that the tank would be invested with gunk, so that the dentist can clean the tank. Then, as soon as the fish are in plastic bags, they can roll away out the window and towards the ocean... And who are they going to get to go inside the machine? Nemo.
-(pause) Really? That's your ultimate plan, Gill? Well, I'm here to challenge your "magnum opus" today with these questions. Let count them down!
1. Why do you choose Nemo to carry out the plan by going into the machine when clearly the shrimp is small enough to get the job done? Seems like a no-brainer. And plus, that's involuntary manslaughter if Nemo dies from this.
2. If you choose to roll away inside a plastic bag, what if one or some of y'all are run over by people or by cars? That's risky.
3. What if something happens inside the machine in which Nemo would have to fight to escape? Again, involuntary manslaughter if he dies.
4. Gill spends the majority of the movie not doing much of anything, except when something goes wrong... (Oops! Spoilers!)
5. What if Nemo isn't comfortable in carrying out this mission? What's to stop him from saying no?
Yeah, those were my questions.
So... like a doofus, Nemo agrees to carry out the plan.
-You stupid son of a bitch (I meant Gill)
Meanwhile:
We then cut back to Marlin and Dory...
-(sarcasm) Oh yeah! Now we're getting to some entertaining stuff! There's:
1. Marlin saying that he doesn't need Dory's help anymore
2. a school of fish comforting Dory with a game of charades
3. the fish telling the two where they can find the sea current that can take them to their destination
4. the fish warning them of the trench
5. Marlin not wanting to go through the trench
6. Marlin and Dory encountering jellyfish
7. the two playing a game to get out of the jellyfish
8. that game going horribly wrong when Dory is found passed out
9. Marlin himself passing out after getting out of the jellyfish
Really? That was all filler, if you ask me!
Back in the Tank:
So we get a little back story on Gill. He tells Nemo that he screwed up one of his fins on a past escape attempt...
-(pause) Is this warranting of a back story? I mean, he's not the one encountering sharks and jellyfish like Marlin and Dory are... Plus, he spends most of the movie doing nothing (as pointed out in Question #4). It's like giving one of Dr. Blowhole's lobster minions a back story of how he came to hate his job...
...or giving one of King Boo's henchmen a back story of why they chose to work for King Boo...
...or, um... Well, enough said.
The tank gang prepare to carry out their mission. Nemo sneaks inside the machine, and manages to cut its power... but only for a moment. As soon as the machine roars back to life, Nemo is fighting to escape.
-As predicted in Question #3 of my challenging Gill's plan...
Gill and his posse sees this, and they race into action by pulling him out just in time before he could he shredded into a million pieces.
-(sarcasm) You know, for kids! Seeing characters have a brush with death every once in a while... and even one character dying! Heck! The advertising for this movie should've been:
Finding Nemo: Get ready to have brushes with death!
What kid would want to see that?!
Inside Current:
So Marlin wakes up to find himself on the shell of a turtle, who sounds like the lost audio of the fuckin' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Crush: "You've got some serious thrill issues, dude!"
So this is a turtle named Crush...
-...sounds like another name that you would give to a male stripper... that's really dating somebody...
So Marlin and Dory befriend the turtles, and Marlin tells them about his kidnapped son. And sooner or later, word gets out that there is a search for Nemo, causing all the animals to be on alert...
-Could've used that a little earlier. Remember that scene where Marlin was yelling: "My son! Help me! Please!"? That should've rang a bell by now! How dumb are these sea creatures?! Even the animals from The Little Mermaid were responsive when Ariel had to stop Vanessa (Ursula disguised as a human) from marrying Prince Eric!
Back at the Dentist:
We see that Gill is moping over being foolish of endangering Nemo's life...
-Yeah, that was jerk-off move there, Gill.
Just then, we get our next waste of talent, Nigel the pelican, played by Geoffrey Rush...
-Oh look. The guy that played Captain Barbossa from The Pirates of the Caribbean movies... OH GOD! NO! Why, Geoffrey?! Why?!
So the pelican tells the tank gang and Nemo that help is on the way, and that Nemo's dad is on his way to rescue his son... while talking through sappy, loud, truimphant-sounding music and Nigel making wild gestures with his wings...
-Just tell us that Marlin's coming to save his son!
Well, this gets Nemo some motivation, because he picks up a pebble and tries again at cutting off the tank's filter, and of course... he succeeds this time, which impresses Gill.
Back in the Ocean:
We see Marlin and Dory say good bye to their turtle friends... but not without going through the...
Marlin: "...vortex of terror?!"
-Put a sock in it!
So Marlin and Dory go through the... vortex of terror, and Marlin asks Crush how old he is.
Crush: "A hundred and fifty years old!"
-Wow! Uh... no comment.
So Marlin and Dory have to go through some... fog, or whatever that stuff is... Marlin is afraid that they're lost, but Dory teaches him to calm down and ask for directions. So Dory decides to ask directions from a nearby whale, despite Marlin pleading with her otherwise.
Dory: "What is it with men in asking for directions?"
-Uh, no. I think you should be asking: What is it with Marlin and his damn paranoia?
So Dory decides to talk to the whale in not English.. but in whale- English(?)
Dory: "Weeeeeeeeeeeee neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed... heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp... fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind... his sooooooooooooooooon. Can yoooooooooooooooou..."
-Okay, that was another funny scene. So what?
So the whale responds to this whale-talk BS by doing what?
Swallowing them, of course!
-(pause) Are you sure this isn't the end of the movie yet? 'Cuz I'm getting pissed off that this movie is still going. I mean, after seeing a shark-chase, the jellyfish threat, and Nemo almost getting killed inside a filter... You'd think audiences would get a clue that this movie doesn't deserve a G-rating! And now, this movie is throwing in a whale swallowing our main characters... THINK ABOUT IT!
Back in the Tank:
So the tank, as Gill predicted, starts to spoil over, prompting the dentist to clean the tank. This makes everyone inside the tank happy that they'll escape soon enough.
-Too good to be true, huh? (ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT!)
Inside the Whale:
-(pause)... You know this scene is highly uncomfortable. So I'm gonna save you from this one.
1. Marlin gets paranoid to the max
2. Dory can somehow communicate with the whale
3. the whale swallows some of their water
4. the two fish are hanging for dear life on the whale's tongue
5. Marlin says something: "You think you can do these things, but you can't, Nemo!" (and then his eyes widen, as if he realized something)
-You see? I knew this line would come back to haunt him. Maybe that's to tell him that he needs to get some balls and stop being paranoid about everything.
Anyway, long scene short, the whale expels our characters through his blowhole.
-You know, I'd rather watch the inside-the-whale scene from Jonah: A Veggietales Movie a million times than sit through this scene. I mean, this scene was so diabolical!!!
Back at the Dentist (the next morning):
The tank gang finds that the tank has been cleaned, because the dentist installed a machine that detects the tank's water quality every few minutes or so. Seeing that the plan failed, the gang and Nemo are disappointed... just as the crazy girl that was mentioned over and over earlier in the movie arrives to scare the shit out of our characters... and the audience.
-Come on! Don't tell me that you weren't freaked out by this kid's appearance!
Meanwhile:
Marlin and Dory encounter some sea gulls, but Nigel arrives just in time to save them and take them to Nemo's captor.
-Just skip that.
Back at the Dentist:
Nemo plays dead inside his plastic bag before the dentist can give him to Darla.
But before the dentist can throw him in the trash, Nigel arrives to attack everyone in the dentist room. However, for some stupid reason, Marlin thinks that his son is dead in the bag. Then Nigel is escorted out of the building...
-Okay, stop. Stop. This has gone way out of control here!
Dentist: "All the animals have gone mad!"
-Yeah, no shit! So I'm just gonna go on to the next scene by saying that...
Gill helps Nemo by shooting him down a drain from a sink, and Darla is disappointed by this.
Darla: (crying) "Fishy!" (then water squirts at her)
Back in the Ocean:
Marlin is dismayed by his son being... supposedly dead, and he leaves Dory.
-Um, no thank you or acknowledge of Dory? You're just gonna go home and abandon Dory? I know you're sad and everything, but... be a man! Have some common sense, will ya!
Meanwhile, Nemo shows up from out of the sewer and meets Dory, who's now lost as ever, because Marlin left her... and she forgot everything that she and Marlin went through. So as Dory and Nemo search for Marlin, Dory comes across a pipe that says "Sydney" on the side.
(fast flashback happens)
Dory: "Aaaaaah! Nemo!"
-(pause) What the hell was that?! All those scenes mashed up in a fast pace? (pause) You know, I'd rather have the movie sped up like that, than having to sit through the whole movie. That would be something!
Fishing boat scene:
So Dory and Nemo finally find Marlin in a school of large fish. Father and son are reunited... until a large fishing net captures a bunch of fish, including Dory. So Nemo tells his dad that the only way to free the fish is for everyone to swim downward...
-OMG, movie! Stop with the not-needed subplots! Can't we end this stupid movie already!
Well, Nemo's plan works; the fish are freed...
-How the fuck can fish outsmart man by almost flipping their boat over...? I don't know- screw it!
Nemo passes out momentarily, but makes it out okay. Then Marlin and Nemo have their father-and-son bonding moment... by Marlin telling Nemo that he met a sea turtle that was 150 years old.
-Oh God! Don't tell me that that was what this entire rescue and adventure bullshit was about: so that Marlin could give his son a follow-up on what sea turtles were like while he was on this movie's quest. I guess this makes Marlin "Father of the Year"... Blow me.
Ending Scene:
So near the end, Marlin allows Nemo to go back to school. Dory joins the sharks' club...
-...for whatever reason.
-And plus... (mimicking Bruce) Hey! I did nothing of worth, except scare the shit out of kids in that chase-scene from earlier. I'm a fuckin' shark!
So the movie ends with Marlin and Nemo share a hug,
and it ends with a happy note...
...until this movie decides that there's one more bit of funny to throw in!
Alternate Ending:
The tank gang finally make it out of their tank and into the ocean... while still inside their bags.
Bloat: "Now what?"
-Okay, let's just agree that the fish somehow make it out of their bags, so that we can go back to avoid movies like this again.
Look, I have no beef with Pixar movies, but this was shit!
I'm serious, folks! This movie was awkward and awful! I mean, a state aquarium would have more dignity than this excuse of a kids' film. The characters were annoying; some of the movie was satirizing The Little Mermaid, to the point where they actually stole from that Disney classic; and it couldn't even keep its paranoia to a minimum. Also, I think this was the movie that both Shark Tale and Flushed Away satirized (GOOD FOR THEM-not that those two movies were good either). I'm not sure what people see in this movie that makes it more and more memorable to where it's a household name. (Blame merchandising!)
You know, the story of a father trying to find his son would've been great for a standalone movie. But no! They throw in violent stuff and awkward stuff to where it prolongs the story to an unnecessary length. That was just wrong.
Besides the needless subplots and confusing story, there were so many celebrities that sacrificed their careers, because of this sucker! Well, the only thing that was good about this movie was Ellen DeGeneres doing the voice of Dory. That was one advantage! ONLY ONE!
Another problem was that the animation was really good... to where it seemed too good to be true- to where it seemed like they were saying: Oh, well, you can't say anything negative about us, because our animation is top-notch! And you know it! Well, sorry. That backfired, because seeing good animation be poorly mashed up with a dumb story was obviously foamed in, so that you could get family-oriented audiences in the seats.
To this day, I still can't believe that this movie is continuing to be made popular, when in actuality, it should have been a Pixar abortion. Now I know what you're thinking: Oh, Whatsoever Critic, you don't appreciate Pixar movies! That's not true. I too appreciate Pixar movies... if they get it right. I really don't care what anybody says; this is not only Pixar's strangest of creations, but also one of the worst animated films that I've ever seen. I'm sorry; this movie felt uncomfortable to sit through. It felt awkward; and it felt like a waste of good animation, a waste of talent, and a waste of time.
Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Finding Nemo
The Little Mermaid
Penguins of Madagascar
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon
Courtesy: Disney/Pixar, Disney, DreamWorks Animation, and Nintendo.
But trouble arrives when they're stalked by a large scary fish.
Coral swims to her eggs to save them; Marlin tries to save her, but gets knocked unconscious by the scary fish.
When he comes to at nighttime, Marlin sees that both his wife and his eggs are gone.
But then he finds a cracked egg and is grateful for this, as he names it Nemo, in honor of his now-deceased wife.
-Obviously, this movie was trying to create another death that was similar to the death of Bambi's mom. (sarcasm) Wow. Very original.
After Opening Credits:
After the opening credits roll, we see Nemo, played by Alexander Gould. Nemo is trying to get his dad Marlin to take him to school.
Marlin: "I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes..."
Nemo: "Not you, Dad! Me!"
-(pause) Was that supposed to be funny?
So anyway, Marlin tells his son about how to be safe before leaving home...
Marlin: "...check to see if the coast is clear, and then you go out and back in... and then you go out and back in... One more time- out and back in..."
-That wasn't funny; that was annoying.
So finally (and I mean, FINALLY), Marlin and Nemo head to school, passing by swimming cameos. As soon as they arrive at the school...
-Well, I don't want to say "school" as much as sending-your-kids-to-wherever-with-a-whatever-kind-of-teacher school...
Nemo is introduced to his teacher and his classmates, and they instantly go off to school.
-(pause) That kind of acquaintance-with-the-teacher-and-students thing worked in Bubble Guppies(?)
So you think Marlin would have peace of mind, but no! He instantly gets paranoid that his kid is going towards open water with his school; and he instantly follows them in pursuit.
-You know, I'm not sure if I'm really needed for this review, because... (pause) Like I said in the beginning, it's weird and vague. We're in what, (at least) 10 minutes of this movie, and already I'm regretting every minute of it!
School:
While the teacher Mr. Ray...
-Yeah, because he's a sting ray... which begs the question: Would he be sued if he accidentally hurts the kids with his stinger? Unless, he's one of those harmless sting rays that you would pet at the local aquariums(?)
...teaches the lesson for the day, Nemo follows a group of kids that are looking at something strange in the distance.
One fish: "...It's called, uh... a butt!"
-(pause) What, the bottom of a boat?
Other fish: (mutters) "That's a really big butt."
-Okay, stop with the joke. It's not funny.
Seahorse: (taunting) "Oh, look at me! I'm gonna go touch the butt!"
-SHUT UP! I thought this was supposed to be a kids' movie, not a fetish film! That wasn't a legit joke; that was just dirty!
But before Nemo could impress his new friends, Marlin shows up and attempts to take him home, but without expressing his paranoia:
Marlin: "You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo!"
-(pause) Now, I want you to remember this scene, where Marlin says that line. Just keep that in mind. I promise you, that bit will bite this character's qualities in the ass later on in the movie.
So Nemo shows that he hates his father by swimming up to the boat and tapping against his father's orders...
One fish: (whispering) "He touched the butt!"
-(mimicking kid) Yeah! Let's use this joke one more time, although it wasn't funny at all! Ha ha ha!
However, Finding Nemo wouldn't be... Finding Nemo, if Nemo didn't get captured by a group of divers, and Marlin chasing after them to try and rescue his son.
So after all hell breaks loose, the boat takes off with Nemo, but not without one of the divers dropping their scuba mask into the water.
After failing to catch up with the bad guys, Marlin starts pleading with the public to help him find his son...
Marlin: "My son! Help me! Please!"
-(pause) Dude, take a chill pill.
But then... guess what this movie tosses our way: an Ellen DeGeneres cameo- no. Not a cameo, but a role.
So this is Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres. She tells Marlin that she wants to help him, but admits that she has short-term memory loss.
Dory: "It runs in my family. Or at least- I think it does... Um... Where are they?"
-(pause) What was up with that last part she said? Where are they? Are you serious? That was so random.
So just when you think things can't get anymore complicated than this...
(Marlin face-to-face with a shark)
-Nope. Nope. You killed it. You killed this movie. Once you put a shark into this so-called G-rated movie, it was broken beyond repair.
So apparently, we meet Bruce the shark, played by Barry Humphries...
-...who would one day play the Goblin King in The Hobbit. (quick trivia)
Shark scene:
So Bruce takes Marlin and Dory back to his hide-out, which is a sunken battle ship surrounded by floating bombs(?), and then we see two other sharks named Anchor and Chum.
-First of all, who names their kids Anchor and Chum? They sound like names you would give to male strippers.
-Second, of all three sharks in this movie, only one (Bruce) has a normal name.
Anyway, there's this weird segway where the sharks are having an AA-meeting-kind-of meeting where they pledged to not eat fish.
-(sarcasm) Yeah, because that's what kids are begging to see out of Pixar, is a group of sharks trying to get off an addiction...
After a couple of minutes of awkwardness, Marlin spots a mask that came from one of the divers that kidnapped his son. But when Dory tries to help out, she gets a nose bleed, which gets Bruce fired up...
-Isn't this like accidentally dumping a truck load of alcohol into a recovering-alcoholic's house?
-Plus, (I'm too scared to even post a pic of this on this blog) look at Bruce's reaction to the nosebleed. Did he get possessed before filming this shit?
Anyway, Bruce goes beserk and chases after our heroes...
-Here's a segment I'd like to call... Guess Which Part of The Little Mermaid That This Movie Is Stealing From...
(the chased-by-a-shark scene)
So after a couple of minutes of heart-pounding bullshit, the whole place blows up after Bruce mindlessly throws something at one of the floating bombs.
Dory: "Aww, is the party over?"
-I don't think that question was appropriate. I think the correct question is: Is the movie over?
Tank arrival scene:
We then cut to Nemo finding himself inside a fish tank inside a dentist's office. He then finds himself surrounded by... waste of talent.
-I mean, look at some of these! The puffer fish (Brad Garrett), the starfish (Allison Janney), the royal gramma (Austin Pendleton), the yellow tang (Stephen Root), the damselfish (Vicki Lewis), and the cleaner shrimp (the late Joe Ranft).
-Plus, let's do a checklist of cliched characters:
1. the easy-going big guy (Bloat)
2. the informant stereotype (Peach)
3. the paranoid germophobe (Gurgle)
4. the guy with a weird fetish (Bubbles)
5. the person with the imaginary friend (Deb/"Flo")
6. the little French stereotype (Jacques)
And then we get our next horrible disaster... We're finally introduced to the tank gang's leader Gill, voiced by...
-Oh God! Please don't tell me that they got the voice of the Green Goblin from Spiderman!!! Willem Dafoe?! Well, to be fair, maybe in this kids' movie, he wouldn't sound creepy or anything like that...
Gill: "You got yourself in there. You can get yourself out."
-You son of a bitch...
So Nemo proves himself worthy of Gill by getting himself out of a pipe, and he officially gets the welcome wagon from the other fish.
Back in the ocean:
We then cut back to Marlin and Dory barely escaping their shark encounter, until they lose the diver's mask by dropping it into a dark pit (or somewhere dark, at least). Marlin seems down by what has happened, but Dory tells him to...
Dory: (playfully) "Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills..."
-(giggling) Okay, that was one funny moment.
Dory: (singing) "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim..."
-(giggling) Okay, that was another funny moment, but don't expect any of the legit funny moments to last long in this movie, because they just start up and then die.
So the two have the courage to swim into the darkness, only to find a shiny light... which belongs to (gasp)...
...another scary demon of hell.
During the chaos, Dory is able to find the mask and read what's on the mask.
So after a bullshit move of getting the scary anglerfish stuck inside the mask, Dory realizes that she can memorize the address that was on the mask: P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.
-(as an insult) Tongue Twister Avenue(?)
-Plus, how convenient for a plot device.
That night in the Tank:
Another weird segway in 3...2...1...
Jacques: (to Nemo) "Follow me."
So we get this weird scene where the tank gang are initiating Nemo into their "brotherhood" by making him swim through a stream of bubbles without anything happen to him...
-Welcome back to the segment of Guess Which Part of The Little Mermaid That This Movie Is Stealing From...
(the surrounded-by-a-crazy-person-with-a-magical-whatever-in-front-of-them scene)
So with that... whatever-ness out of the way... Gill explains his plan on how they can escape the tank before the dentist's niece Darla (a.k.a. the ugliest kid ever in a Pixar movie) gets Nemo as a birthday present
(which is obviously a bad idea, because they reveal that she killed her last fish that she got last year for her birthday). So anyway, Gill says that one of them will swim into the tank's machinery to cut off the power, so that the tank would be invested with gunk, so that the dentist can clean the tank. Then, as soon as the fish are in plastic bags, they can roll away out the window and towards the ocean... And who are they going to get to go inside the machine? Nemo.
-(pause) Really? That's your ultimate plan, Gill? Well, I'm here to challenge your "magnum opus" today with these questions. Let count them down!
1. Why do you choose Nemo to carry out the plan by going into the machine when clearly the shrimp is small enough to get the job done? Seems like a no-brainer. And plus, that's involuntary manslaughter if Nemo dies from this.
2. If you choose to roll away inside a plastic bag, what if one or some of y'all are run over by people or by cars? That's risky.
3. What if something happens inside the machine in which Nemo would have to fight to escape? Again, involuntary manslaughter if he dies.
4. Gill spends the majority of the movie not doing much of anything, except when something goes wrong... (Oops! Spoilers!)
5. What if Nemo isn't comfortable in carrying out this mission? What's to stop him from saying no?
Yeah, those were my questions.
So... like a doofus, Nemo agrees to carry out the plan.
-You stupid son of a bitch (I meant Gill)
Meanwhile:
We then cut back to Marlin and Dory...
-(sarcasm) Oh yeah! Now we're getting to some entertaining stuff! There's:
1. Marlin saying that he doesn't need Dory's help anymore
2. a school of fish comforting Dory with a game of charades
3. the fish telling the two where they can find the sea current that can take them to their destination
4. the fish warning them of the trench
5. Marlin not wanting to go through the trench
6. Marlin and Dory encountering jellyfish
7. the two playing a game to get out of the jellyfish
8. that game going horribly wrong when Dory is found passed out
9. Marlin himself passing out after getting out of the jellyfish
Really? That was all filler, if you ask me!
Back in the Tank:
So we get a little back story on Gill. He tells Nemo that he screwed up one of his fins on a past escape attempt...
-(pause) Is this warranting of a back story? I mean, he's not the one encountering sharks and jellyfish like Marlin and Dory are... Plus, he spends most of the movie doing nothing (as pointed out in Question #4). It's like giving one of Dr. Blowhole's lobster minions a back story of how he came to hate his job...
...or giving one of King Boo's henchmen a back story of why they chose to work for King Boo...
...or, um... Well, enough said.
The tank gang prepare to carry out their mission. Nemo sneaks inside the machine, and manages to cut its power... but only for a moment. As soon as the machine roars back to life, Nemo is fighting to escape.
-As predicted in Question #3 of my challenging Gill's plan...
Gill and his posse sees this, and they race into action by pulling him out just in time before he could he shredded into a million pieces.
-(sarcasm) You know, for kids! Seeing characters have a brush with death every once in a while... and even one character dying! Heck! The advertising for this movie should've been:
Finding Nemo: Get ready to have brushes with death!
What kid would want to see that?!
Inside Current:
So Marlin wakes up to find himself on the shell of a turtle, who sounds like the lost audio of the fuckin' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Crush: "You've got some serious thrill issues, dude!"
So this is a turtle named Crush...
-...sounds like another name that you would give to a male stripper... that's really dating somebody...
So Marlin and Dory befriend the turtles, and Marlin tells them about his kidnapped son. And sooner or later, word gets out that there is a search for Nemo, causing all the animals to be on alert...
-Could've used that a little earlier. Remember that scene where Marlin was yelling: "My son! Help me! Please!"? That should've rang a bell by now! How dumb are these sea creatures?! Even the animals from The Little Mermaid were responsive when Ariel had to stop Vanessa (Ursula disguised as a human) from marrying Prince Eric!
Back at the Dentist:
We see that Gill is moping over being foolish of endangering Nemo's life...
-Yeah, that was jerk-off move there, Gill.
Just then, we get our next waste of talent, Nigel the pelican, played by Geoffrey Rush...
-Oh look. The guy that played Captain Barbossa from The Pirates of the Caribbean movies... OH GOD! NO! Why, Geoffrey?! Why?!
So the pelican tells the tank gang and Nemo that help is on the way, and that Nemo's dad is on his way to rescue his son... while talking through sappy, loud, truimphant-sounding music and Nigel making wild gestures with his wings...
-Just tell us that Marlin's coming to save his son!
Well, this gets Nemo some motivation, because he picks up a pebble and tries again at cutting off the tank's filter, and of course... he succeeds this time, which impresses Gill.
Back in the Ocean:
We see Marlin and Dory say good bye to their turtle friends... but not without going through the...
Marlin: "...vortex of terror?!"
-Put a sock in it!
So Marlin and Dory go through the... vortex of terror, and Marlin asks Crush how old he is.
Crush: "A hundred and fifty years old!"
-Wow! Uh... no comment.
So Marlin and Dory have to go through some... fog, or whatever that stuff is... Marlin is afraid that they're lost, but Dory teaches him to calm down and ask for directions. So Dory decides to ask directions from a nearby whale, despite Marlin pleading with her otherwise.
Dory: "What is it with men in asking for directions?"
-Uh, no. I think you should be asking: What is it with Marlin and his damn paranoia?
So Dory decides to talk to the whale in not English.. but in whale- English(?)
Dory: "Weeeeeeeeeeeee neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed... heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp... fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind... his sooooooooooooooooon. Can yoooooooooooooooou..."
-Okay, that was another funny scene. So what?
So the whale responds to this whale-talk BS by doing what?
Swallowing them, of course!
-(pause) Are you sure this isn't the end of the movie yet? 'Cuz I'm getting pissed off that this movie is still going. I mean, after seeing a shark-chase, the jellyfish threat, and Nemo almost getting killed inside a filter... You'd think audiences would get a clue that this movie doesn't deserve a G-rating! And now, this movie is throwing in a whale swallowing our main characters... THINK ABOUT IT!
Back in the Tank:
So the tank, as Gill predicted, starts to spoil over, prompting the dentist to clean the tank. This makes everyone inside the tank happy that they'll escape soon enough.
-Too good to be true, huh? (ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT!)
Inside the Whale:
-(pause)... You know this scene is highly uncomfortable. So I'm gonna save you from this one.
1. Marlin gets paranoid to the max
2. Dory can somehow communicate with the whale
3. the whale swallows some of their water
4. the two fish are hanging for dear life on the whale's tongue
5. Marlin says something: "You think you can do these things, but you can't, Nemo!" (and then his eyes widen, as if he realized something)
-You see? I knew this line would come back to haunt him. Maybe that's to tell him that he needs to get some balls and stop being paranoid about everything.
Anyway, long scene short, the whale expels our characters through his blowhole.
-You know, I'd rather watch the inside-the-whale scene from Jonah: A Veggietales Movie a million times than sit through this scene. I mean, this scene was so diabolical!!!
Back at the Dentist (the next morning):
The tank gang finds that the tank has been cleaned, because the dentist installed a machine that detects the tank's water quality every few minutes or so. Seeing that the plan failed, the gang and Nemo are disappointed... just as the crazy girl that was mentioned over and over earlier in the movie arrives to scare the shit out of our characters... and the audience.
-Come on! Don't tell me that you weren't freaked out by this kid's appearance!
Meanwhile:
Marlin and Dory encounter some sea gulls, but Nigel arrives just in time to save them and take them to Nemo's captor.
-Just skip that.
Back at the Dentist:
Nemo plays dead inside his plastic bag before the dentist can give him to Darla.
But before the dentist can throw him in the trash, Nigel arrives to attack everyone in the dentist room. However, for some stupid reason, Marlin thinks that his son is dead in the bag. Then Nigel is escorted out of the building...
-Okay, stop. Stop. This has gone way out of control here!
Dentist: "All the animals have gone mad!"
-Yeah, no shit! So I'm just gonna go on to the next scene by saying that...
Gill helps Nemo by shooting him down a drain from a sink, and Darla is disappointed by this.
Darla: (crying) "Fishy!" (then water squirts at her)
Back in the Ocean:
Marlin is dismayed by his son being... supposedly dead, and he leaves Dory.
-Um, no thank you or acknowledge of Dory? You're just gonna go home and abandon Dory? I know you're sad and everything, but... be a man! Have some common sense, will ya!
Meanwhile, Nemo shows up from out of the sewer and meets Dory, who's now lost as ever, because Marlin left her... and she forgot everything that she and Marlin went through. So as Dory and Nemo search for Marlin, Dory comes across a pipe that says "Sydney" on the side.
(fast flashback happens)
Dory: "Aaaaaah! Nemo!"
-(pause) What the hell was that?! All those scenes mashed up in a fast pace? (pause) You know, I'd rather have the movie sped up like that, than having to sit through the whole movie. That would be something!
Fishing boat scene:
So Dory and Nemo finally find Marlin in a school of large fish. Father and son are reunited... until a large fishing net captures a bunch of fish, including Dory. So Nemo tells his dad that the only way to free the fish is for everyone to swim downward...
-OMG, movie! Stop with the not-needed subplots! Can't we end this stupid movie already!
Well, Nemo's plan works; the fish are freed...
-How the fuck can fish outsmart man by almost flipping their boat over...? I don't know- screw it!
Nemo passes out momentarily, but makes it out okay. Then Marlin and Nemo have their father-and-son bonding moment... by Marlin telling Nemo that he met a sea turtle that was 150 years old.
-Oh God! Don't tell me that that was what this entire rescue and adventure bullshit was about: so that Marlin could give his son a follow-up on what sea turtles were like while he was on this movie's quest. I guess this makes Marlin "Father of the Year"... Blow me.
Ending Scene:
So near the end, Marlin allows Nemo to go back to school. Dory joins the sharks' club...
-...for whatever reason.
-And plus... (mimicking Bruce) Hey! I did nothing of worth, except scare the shit out of kids in that chase-scene from earlier. I'm a fuckin' shark!
So the movie ends with Marlin and Nemo share a hug,
and it ends with a happy note...
...until this movie decides that there's one more bit of funny to throw in!
Alternate Ending:
The tank gang finally make it out of their tank and into the ocean... while still inside their bags.
Bloat: "Now what?"
-Okay, let's just agree that the fish somehow make it out of their bags, so that we can go back to avoid movies like this again.
Look, I have no beef with Pixar movies, but this was shit!
I'm serious, folks! This movie was awkward and awful! I mean, a state aquarium would have more dignity than this excuse of a kids' film. The characters were annoying; some of the movie was satirizing The Little Mermaid, to the point where they actually stole from that Disney classic; and it couldn't even keep its paranoia to a minimum. Also, I think this was the movie that both Shark Tale and Flushed Away satirized (GOOD FOR THEM-not that those two movies were good either). I'm not sure what people see in this movie that makes it more and more memorable to where it's a household name. (Blame merchandising!)
You know, the story of a father trying to find his son would've been great for a standalone movie. But no! They throw in violent stuff and awkward stuff to where it prolongs the story to an unnecessary length. That was just wrong.
Besides the needless subplots and confusing story, there were so many celebrities that sacrificed their careers, because of this sucker! Well, the only thing that was good about this movie was Ellen DeGeneres doing the voice of Dory. That was one advantage! ONLY ONE!
Another problem was that the animation was really good... to where it seemed too good to be true- to where it seemed like they were saying: Oh, well, you can't say anything negative about us, because our animation is top-notch! And you know it! Well, sorry. That backfired, because seeing good animation be poorly mashed up with a dumb story was obviously foamed in, so that you could get family-oriented audiences in the seats.
To this day, I still can't believe that this movie is continuing to be made popular, when in actuality, it should have been a Pixar abortion. Now I know what you're thinking: Oh, Whatsoever Critic, you don't appreciate Pixar movies! That's not true. I too appreciate Pixar movies... if they get it right. I really don't care what anybody says; this is not only Pixar's strangest of creations, but also one of the worst animated films that I've ever seen. I'm sorry; this movie felt uncomfortable to sit through. It felt awkward; and it felt like a waste of good animation, a waste of talent, and a waste of time.
Whatsoever Critic
Sources:
Finding Nemo
The Little Mermaid
Penguins of Madagascar
Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon
Courtesy: Disney/Pixar, Disney, DreamWorks Animation, and Nintendo.
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